As Woody Allen said, the heart wants what it wants. So, why are you here?

The End Of The Blog. I mean it.

2009-10-05T22:47:00.002-04:00

Don't panic, though (alright, you weren't panicking, but don't be mildly alarmed). I'm gonna keep blogging, the blog has just moved.

I've been working on building a site, and now it's up:

ten-fourfilms.com

It has all of my video work, plus the entire blog archive has been transported over. There's even a search feature, so if you're looking for a post from somewhere in the blog's history, you can find it instantaneously. If you follow this site via its RSS or ATOM feed, make sure to click over to the site and update your reading program to the new settings.

In honor of the launching of the site, I'm going to blog every day for a month - or, at the very least, I'm going to write 31 posts for the 31 days in October. There's a number of new posts up already.

You might have noticed I haven't been posting for almost a month now, but that's been because I've been putting together this site. There's loads of new content on it - every video that's posted there has the story of that project next to it. Even if you've seen all the work before, feel free to click around and let me know what you think.

As always, thanks for reading this blog, and I hope you enjoy the new site.

What meaning what you say looks like.

2009-08-16T20:53:00.009-04:00

I follow sports very closely, but in gigantic sports stories like Brett Favre unretiring or the murder-suicide of Steve McNair, I normally stay pretty far on the sidelines. I assume all the details will eventually get to me, and I've no desire to hear every detail of how agonizing a decision it is for Favre to decide whether to play football again. It gets old quick.

But the past couple weeks, I've been following the story of Michael Vick's return to the NFL closely, reading opinion articles and listening to the endless "where will he sign?" rumors with interest. I don't what dragged me into this, but... well, actually I do.

My sympathies are often easy to alter, as my heart always jumps to the opposite side of whatever group I feel is being particularly insulting or boneheaded. Regardless of the situation, when one group cannot separate themselves enough to make logical statements, or finish a sentence without some sort of invective, then they've lost my ear completely. And when one side keeps piling on and piling on, without any sort of response from the other camp - then I'm obliged to join the other side just to balance things out.

If you read that previous paragraph closely enough, you already know what I'm about to say: I've become oddly sympathetic to Michael Vick.

Not really because of anything he's really done. Since coming back into the spotlight and signing with the Eagles, Vick has mostly said things like "I'm really happy to be here" and "I just appreciate the organization giving me a second chance." All the stuff you'd expect someone in his position to say. Has he reformed? Would he do it again if no one was watching? You got me. No one could tell you that from a press conference, where the only important instruction you could give the man would be "look penitent." But Tony Dungy, who is both a faithful Christian and as good a man as exists in professional sports, has thrown his support behind him and guaranteed his redemption. That's good enough for me.

But maybe that's not good enough for you, maybe you feel that someone like Vick is unsalvageable, that he should never be allowed to play professional football again. Maybe there are certain crimes you believe offer no second chances. I understand that. After all, no matter how hard the press hammers Vick, he is not the victim here. The decisions he made brought him to this point - if his young career was cut down, he was the one who did it. He was the one who lost his money - nearly 130 million dollars - so quickly that a vast majority of both this contract and the next one will go to paying off bankruptcy courts. No one did this to Vick. He did this to himself.

But I believe that, if they truly want it, everyone deserves a second chance, and then a third chance, and fourth chance, and infinite chances out after that. And if you think that such things are just empty rhetoric by people who want to watch Vick play football again, then you need to read this story:

Naturally, with every article being written about the Vick signing, reporters have needed a reaction from animal advocates, and assumably the phones at the National Humane Society and PETA have been ringing off the hook. The organizations are asked for their response to the signing, to Vick's press conference, to him returning to practice, to him returning to the playing field. Their responses have been a study in the way that two similar organizations do business with two dramatically different philosophies about life.

The LA Times recently did a piece on Vick's attempt at redemption. Several months ago, while still in prison, Michael Vick reached out to the president of the Humane Society, Wayne Pacelle. After a long period of inner turmoil, Pacelle finally flew out to Kansas to talk to Vick. There was no forgiveness in his heart - the Humane Society had engineered most of the laws that Vick was prosecuted under, and they were the ones who tipped the cops off about Vick's dogfighting ring in the first place. The person Vick had asked to speak to was the man who had in a sense orchestrated his downfall. But Pacelle realized that causing Michael Vick's demise was not really his final goal: "We're devoted to ending dogfighting, not endlessly flogging Michael Vick. We are about not just ending cruelty, but also making people better... This can be about turning adversaries into allies."

When Pacelle and Vick met, they talked about how Vick got there in the first place. Vick talked about growing up in a rough Virginian community which, as the Times put it, "ironically and sadly, tolerated treating dogs the way slaves had been treated." He talked about how he started dogfighting when he was 8 and didn't stop until his arrest. And he said, for the first of many times, that he wanted to be a part of the solution and not the problem.

Pacelle made sure Vick was really on board, that he wasn't just in it for a little bit of good press before disappearing. Then he welcomed him into the organization. Upon Vick's release, he and Vick started touring the country, giving speeches to kids in areas like Atlanta and Chicago where underground dogfighting is sadly a dominant part of the culture. And Vick spoke honestly about the mistakes he made and how nobody should look up to him and follow his example. Sometimes he'd start crying when he talked about it.

The Humane Society estimates that they've lost more than 1,000 members since Vick joined the organization, but Pacelle is unwavering in his support. He points out that the Humane Society is by and large a white, middle-class organization (which is not suprising, certainly), and they've never had someone like Michael Vick to be a spokesperson for them. They've never had someone who could speak to minority communities, speak to the poor. They've never had someone who could reach into some of the darker places where people needed to hear their message the most.

"The worst you can do is write somebody off completely for not exhibiting model behavior," says Pacelle. "If we just stick with people who are already sympathetic, what good are we doing?"

If you can't hear the Gospel in that story, then I don't know what I can do for you.

The Humane Society has announced their pleasure at Vick's signing in Philadelphia. There's apparently a lot of dogfighting in Philadelphia, and it's long been a city the organization hasn't been able to reach into with any success. They've got more plans for Vick than the Eagles do, they're already working out the details on how to utilize Vick within the city, to travel to the city's darker underbelly to root out these places. Because they finally have someone for whom this isn't just a hobby or an issue to get hopped up about, this is someone for whom this work is a quest for his own redemption.

"I'm going let my actions continue to speak louder than my words," Vick said recently. "I'm gonna still be involved in the community, because I still - regardless of football - would have a voice that can have an impact on kids, because I've been a living example of what not to do."

PETA, by the way, has not followed the philosophy the Humane Society has. They've spent most of their time the past few months attacking Vick personally, which I suppose is not that surprising. Now that he's signed with the Eagles, they've turned their attention on them. They've spoken out against the team. They're considering protests at the games. They're encouraging fans to turn on their home team, telling them they are now terrible people for being Eagles fans. They've even asked Eagles players to ostracize Vick. Still, they're better than the organization that is renting billboards on the highways surrounding the Eagles' stadium to tell fans they are terrible people for going to Eagles games.

Still, its PETA who earns my ire because when, during Vick's trial, they were approached with the opportunity to rehabilitate the dogs left over from the dogfighting ring, they refused, saying it would be more money than it was worth. Apparently, they're all for the ethical treatment of animals, as long as they don't have to do any of the work. After all, isn't there another ad campaign featuring a moderately famous actress taking all her clothes off to shoot? Keep in mind, this wasn't going to cost them any money. Under court orders, Vick was the one who actually paid the $1 million to rehab the animals, who were eventually taken in by the ASPCA. But then, logic isn't necessarily PETA's strongest characteristic. This is the organization that once used pictures of the Holocaust to equate their animal rights message with the murder of 6 million Jews. The actual survivors of the Holocaust were understandably not pleased.

Ultimately, that's the sort of organization that PETA is. They aren't about change, or stepping out to make a difference, they're about calling out attention to themselves. They don't want results, they want people to feel bad. They want people to notice them.

It's certainly feasible that the decision to work with Michael Vick will completely blow up in the Humane Society's face. In his "60 Minutes" interview tonight, Vick seemed penitent and filled with loathing at his actions; he seemed transformed. If he's not, the Humane Society, the Eagles, Tony Dungy, and, I suppose, myself, will all be left with egg on our faces. But given the choice, I'd much rather be in the Humane Society's shoes right now. I'd rather believe that what's important is not your own self-righteousness but the work you put in to make something happen. I'd rather believe in grace. I'd rather believe in change. And I'd much rather believe in second chances.

So I hope this one works out.

The Ten-Four, Good Buddy Fantasy League!

2009-08-14T19:47:00.005-04:00

Hey everyone.

I'm starting a Fantasy Football league this year, and some of the frequent commenters on this site - Jonathan and Assistant Village Idiot - will be joining.

It's a pretty laid-back league in which the majority of people will have never played fantasy sports before, and it should be a fun experiment in how competitive we get in trying to beat each other, either through the league or through outrageously overaggressive emails issued during these battles.

Anyway, there's still a few spots open in the league, so if you've never know the joy of watching your running back break free for a forty-yard score, or your opponent's QB going down with a bruised shoulder in the first quarter, or just unnecessarily trash-talking over the awesome skills your wide receiver has, a receiver you have never seen play, probably never will, and could not pick out of a crowd (Seriously. The best player on my fantasy baseball team is Ben Zobrist, who I just discovered this week is a white guy. Who knew?), then you're free to join in.

No experience necessary (and possibly, quite inadvisable), and don't feel like you've got to be a frequent commenter in order to ask to join. Send me an email at 10fourgoodbuddy@gmail.com if you'd like to be a part of it.

Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal

2009-08-06T19:24:00.004-04:00

If you've never checked out the web comic Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal, you should do so. Monday's comic immediately became my new all-time favorite:

Movie Fun

2009-08-06T11:37:00.003-04:00

A couple different fun links for you today. First, I don't know if I posted this before, but someone linked me to IFC's 50 Greatest Trailers Of All Time a couple weeks after the first time it got sent my way, and I was surprised to discover that I just couldn't help but poke back through it again. If I keep getting linked back, I'm sure eventually I'll watch all fifty. My personal favorites were the ones that didn't show any of the actual films, just short scenes of people talking about the movies, like #6, Orson Welles' booming voiceover introducing Citizen Kane ("These are the chorus girls. Of course, we're just showing you the chorus girls for purposes of... ballyhoo. Still, it's pretty nice ballyhoo."), or #2, Alfred Hitchcock giving you a tour of the set of Psycho, trying unsuccessfully to appear perturbed by the concept of mayhem and vicious murders. While at the site, I also enjoyed their History of Unreliable Narrators.

Second, Total Sci-Fi Online made one of those lists that you know you're going to get pummeled for but at some point a site like that has to make anyway: a list of the 100 Greatest Sci-Fi Movies. I liked the list and couldn't find much wrong with it, though I've never been able to summon much love for their top movie, Blade Runner, no matter how hard I try. The list takes into account both the best of the the cheap, mass-produced alien/monster movies from the '50s without ignoring the fact that best films of the genre were made in the '70s and '80s. For the record, a more challenging enterprise would be to try to make a list like this without ever using the word "dystopian."

And finally, Screen Junkies wonders what it would be like if movie posters put quotes up from their negative reviews instead of their positive ones.

From The Onion

2009-08-05T12:00:00.003-04:00

Rapper Not Entirely Sure Who Else Is On This Track.

Good Screenwriting Alert:

2009-08-03T17:57:00.001-04:00

In the opening 20 minutes of The Hangover, the script quietly establishes that Doug (Justin Bartha) is the only thing that ties together the three other characters together. He's the peacekeeper and the normal friend, and it's clear that without him the other three guys would have nothing in common. The script then removes Doug from the picture entirely, leaving the other three characters to deal with each other. While most movies are forced to continually up the ante in order to get the characters yelling comically at each other, The Hangover could let them start screaming from the moment they wake up with the titular hangover. Then, once Doug rejoins the group, they aren't forced to have a "y'know, I'm just glad we're friends/best friends/husband and wife/partners/brothers/Wayans brothers/literally birds of a feather/almost done with this Michael Bay movie" scene. The movie could just keep right on moving to the resolution.

In the inevitable sequel, I guarantee that this element will no longer be there. Either they will remove Bartha entirely from the movie, or he will remain with the group the entire movie, spoiling the chemistry. A much better solution would be if they somehow managed to once again get separated from Bartha for the majority of the film, however they needed to do that ("alright, guys, I'll see you in New York City in 24 hours for the wedding/funeral/bat mitvah/birth of my child/briss/disarming of the nuclear bomb. Don't be late."). Unfortunately, I'm betting that won't happen.

Pinstripes ARE slimming.

2009-08-03T17:29:00.003-04:00

I went ahead and Mad Menned myself (not nearly as catchy as "Elf Yourself," guys), and here's the result:

Classy. I should always get dressed up and pour myself a scotch whenever I'm doing presentations. For fun, I'm gonna make this my Facebook profile.

Best Movie of the Aughts.

2009-07-28T17:04:00.003-04:00

Bill Simmons recently did a gigantic piece on the year in sports, mostly having to do with a defense of Almost Famous as the decade's defining movie. While some people apparently freaked out over the selection, I couldn't really find anything wrong with it. His three criteria were quality, originality, and re-watchability, and Almost Famous has all three in spades. It's one of the few movies from this decade that you can point to and say that.

I decided to dig through the vault and try to find the 10 most likely candidates for "Movie Of The Aughts," a title we won't really be able to figure out until 10 years down the line. Keep in mind, often the decade's defining movies don't come out until the end of the decade, so there's still hope for 2009 that something like The Hangover, (500) Days Of Summer, or The Hurt Locker might grab the title.

10. Donnie Darko (2001) - Sort of an underground choice, but people still endlessly debate this movie and what, exactly, it's about. There's about to be a sequel that doesn't involve any of the major characters or the writer-director, just because the original keeps sticking with people. That's impressive.
9. Juno (2007) - It's really too soon to know, but this seems most likely to be the indie movie that forever could.
8. Milk (2008) - In 10 years, people will completely incorrectly give this movie credit for changing American opinion on gay marriage. Working in it's favor will be the fact that it will still be a really good movie.
7. Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind (2004) - Because - ironically - it sticks in your mind, and ultimately we'll consider it Kate Winslet's greatest movie.
6. Memento (2001) - The Aughts will be remembered for this sort of movie, and this and Sunshine are the two best examples of them. I'm betting on one of them sticking around in the national consciousness.
5. High Fidelity (2000) - Really more of a 90's movie than an 00's movie, it's still one of the strongest romantic comedies of all time.
4. Anchorman: The Legend Of Ron Burgundy (2004) - Every generation has a turning-point comedy, and this was ours.
3. Dark Knight (2008) - The best superhero movie of all time, of the biggest grossing movies of all time, and the special effects are so solid it should age extremely well.
2. Lord Of The Rings (2001-2003) - Decades are remembered for their franchises more than anything.
1. Almost Famous (2000) - Hey, I didn't say I disagreed with him. I just wanted to open up the discussion.

What did I miss? Should movies like Little Miss Sunshine or Brokeback Mountain have made the list? Or has their time already come and gone?

Also, now that enough time has passed, I have to ask: what is the quintessential 90's movie? I vote for either Saving Private Ryan or American Beauty.

Hey, that post under me looks really cool!

2009-07-24T10:59:00.001-04:00

This last post is longer than most, but it's loads of fun and worth getting through. Read through the end of "Monday," at least.

The Best TV Schedule Of All Time

2009-07-22T22:38:00.015-04:00

I've been recovering from a short period of being deathly ill, and while the first 36 hours were pretty rough, the last 48 have been a lot of "well, it hurts to move, but if I stay right here I'm doing fine." So I've had a little bit of free time. I thought I'd share it with you on my new project.

The object was to create the greatest possible TV schedule of all-time. The rules were simple:

1. All TV programs had to be placed on their original network.
2. All TV programs had to be put into a time slot they had once inhabited during their original run. Shows cannot be moved, nor the start times fudged, in any way.

So the point was not to select the best 100 shows, but to create the best TV schedule from TV schedules that had already existed, as if I went through a stack of TV Guides with scissors and tape.

I was also curious if there were spots that certain networks never tried to fill, or used to compete in and then gave up on. NBC was once famed for their consistently formidable Thursday night comedy block (it's okay-ish now) - if that's where their efforts have focused, where have they turned a blind eye? (Mondays at 10 PM, for one thing.)

When I created this, I tried to decide how it would best be experienced, should it become real.

Option A: I have my memory of all these shows be wiped, then start the TV season in September with the first season of all these shows. But that didn't seem right. A couple of these shows only got one season, and some of the others got a lot of seasons, but they didn't really get rolling until season three or four (this is often true of comedies. "Cheers," for instance).

So my next thought was Option B: I should pick out the best season of each show for this. But that didn't work either. I wasn't intimately acquainted with a lot of these shows - I set out to make the best schedule, not my own personal viewing wish list - so I wasn't qualified to guess which season would be best for each show. I planned on doing some research on this afterwards to figure that out, though, until I hit on:

Option C: I still get my memory of these shows erased, but first, reality-be-damned, they all start recording new episodes immediately, as if the show had never existed before. I'm not saying they reboot the franchises, I just say the shows simply reappear, with the original casts and crew and sets and time period and what-have-you, but now all in glorious high-definition. What's more, I pick out directions for all of them. Because, let's be honest, I could fix some of these shows. I know things. I'm savvy. Shows that were great and don't need to be touched get a free pass, shows that were great but lost something over time get a return to glory, and shows that were good but could have been better get some new blood.

One quick note - While the Big Three have had the privilege of broadcasting shows for well over 50 years, newer networks like Fox and the CW have had less time, and so less options for me to pick from. Therefore, I combined the CW with its two forebears (UPN and the WB) and called it one network, which seemed to be playing fair enough. I also made no bones about the quality of programming that has appeared on these networks since they began. If they've never tried to broadcast anything worthwhile after 10 PM, I'm not going to give them any credit.

Sunday

Alright, Sunday night has become a little bit of a throwaway in recent years, but that wasn't always the case, so there's some quality to be had here. However, changes need to be made. First, "Alias" must return to its early season glory, so let's get J.J. Abrams back as showrunner and bang things out. What's more, he also has to run CBS' "Mission: Impossible," since he did such a bang-up job on directing MI:3. Even better, Tom Cruise and Phillip Seymour Hoffman have to come with him.

Ed Sullivan, not-dead and in the prime of his career, will run his show in 2009, working with modern bands and comics who grew up idolizing him, but the Smothers Brothers will still operate in the sixties and seventies. Steve Martin will return to the writing staff and be named head writer. Likewise, Conan O'Brien will return as head writer of "The Simpsons," and Brad Bird will direct all the episodes.

"The West Wing" will start their run over, but Moira Kelly will never be hired - instead, Emily Procter will be introduced as Republican Ainsley Hayes in the third or fourth episode, and David Caruso will be executed in the street (not in the show, in real life) so that no one can start "CSI: Miami" and take her away from the show. Aaron Sorkin will naturally return to write all the episodes, and no one will ever give him cocaine.

"Psych" will return to network television, but be given a network budget to play with, and Rachel Leigh Cook's character will start having a recurring role. Jessica Biel will return to "7th Heaven," bringing Justin Timberlake with her. Her character will become overwhelming embarrassed when Timberlake forms a hip-hop/beatbox act with her father. Also, zombies are added.

Monday

ABC regains the rights to "Monday Night Football." They broadcast the best game, every week, which is selected the week before and not months in advance, so we see the best possible rivalry instead of Browns vs. Bengals in mid-November. Joe Buck is in no way involved.

"The Rifleman" takes on both John Ford and Quentin Tarantino as executive producers. Modern-day Ron Howard directs all of "The Andy Griffith Show." Old-school Ron Howard still stars.

We finally meet the goddamn mother.

"Northern Exposure" gets an added boost of quirk when Rob Morrow's "Numb3rs" co-star, David Krumholtz, joins the cast. Also, Judd Hirsch, just because. "House" combines his original team with his newer team, though Kal Penn still dies a messy and memorable death somewhere midseason (John Cho and Neil Patrick Harris both guest star as 'voices from his past'). There is at least one episode where Hugh Laurie, Robert Sean Leonard, and Lisa Edelstein do nothing but sit in a room together and say witty and acerbic things to each other.

On "24," the series starts over. For once, Kiefer Sutherland dies and gets resuscitated exactly zero times during the season. Elisha Cuthbert shows up and looks very hot for a little while, then dies a clear and irrevocable death so that she can never come back again. Dennis Haysbert returns as President, but it's revealed that he's also his character from "The Unit," and he and Sutherland go off and kick some terrorist tail together. The Chinese are never involved, and no one ever gets amnesia.

"Heroes" starts over from scratch, but someone writes them a truly awesome season finale. The show never comes back again. "Studio 60" starts over after the pilot and no one ever talks about politics ever again. Matthew Perry and Sarah Paulson agree just to disagree about whether God is real or not. Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler write all the sketches seen on the show.

The casts of "Everybody Hates Chris" and "Aliens In America" switch locations, just for fun.

Tuesday

First of all: no one jumps over a shark.

Next, "Sports Night" combines its cast and the sharp writing of Aaron Sorkin with oversight from ESPN executives, giving the show a more frantic, realistic pace. The show will tie in to real sports events, actual sports stars will guest from time to time, and Clark Gregg will join the cast full-time.

David Caruso will re-join the cast of NYPD Blue, then be executed in the street again.

Every episode of M*A*S*H will feature Alan Alda flying away in helicopters while Mike Farrell leaves him messages formed from piles of rocks.

Tuesdays at 9 will be "The Simon Baker Hour," with interspersed episodes of "The Guardian" and "The Mentalist." Eventually, those two shows will combine, and Simon Baker will attempt to win drug cases with the defense "I just know that he's not telling the truth" and a boyish wink at the judge.

On "American Idol," the top 12 will be Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood, Chris Daughtry, Adam Lambert, Jordin Sparks, Kris Allen, Blake Lewis, Fantasia Barrino, Jennifer Hudson, Elliot Yamin, Allison Iraheta, and just for fun, Kellie Pickler or Sanjaya. Kara will not be judging, Simon will pay attention the whole season, and someone will spike Paula's drink every night.

No one will let Bailey start drinking, ever.

"News Radio" features the original cast, including Phil Hartman, but the show moves to Cincinnati to compete with "WKRP." It also subtracts some Dave Thomas kvetching. "Scrubs" features both Heather Graham and Tom Cavanaugh as permanent guest stars, and Brendan Fraser keeps popping back up as the dead brother only John C. McGinley can see. Zach Braff still goes off and makes Garden State, but this time he doesn't get a big head when he comes back.

"Remington Steele" just becomes James Bond, but weekly.

No Dean, no Logan, no Jess, no Christopher. These Gilmore Girls have terrible taste. Jared Padelecki is allowed to return only if it is revealed he was secretly his character from "Supernatural" this whole time, and he, Sean Gunn, and Liza Weil start a werewolf-hunting team, at which point it is revealed that Edward Herrman is a werewolf (I always suspected it).

"Veronica Mars" gets a complete free pass, on the condition that we get lots of Percy Daggs III.

Wednesday

"Pushing Daisies" gets complete freedom from network control, and Bryan Turner is allowed to run the show however he wants. However, Barry Sonnenfeld has to direct every episode. "The Johnny Cash Show" becomes essentially a weekly live Johnny and June Cash show, with guest spots from modern artists playing with Cash. Bob Dylan and Willie Nelson guest-host.

Chris Rock is added to the cast of "All In The Family." Paul Greengrass is named executive producer of "Hawaii Five-O." The results show of "American Idol" moves back to half an hour. There's a group number, a music video, Simon says something smarmy, and we find out the results. That's it.

"The OC" starts over, but this time Olivia Wilde is a full time cast member, and Mischa Barton isn't on the show at all. The show features Peter Gallagher and Kelly Rowan and almost no other adults. Adam Brody and Rachel Bilson get together and stay together, and hang out saying witty things to a surly Ben McKenzie.

"Law & Order" stays "Law & Order," and doesn't become "Law & Order: Useless Spinoff." Mariska Hargitay, Vincent D'Onofrio, and Jeff Goldblum all leave their spinoffs and join the cast.

I couldn't decide between "Felicity" or "Roswell," so I decided to combine the two. Now Felicity goes to college and discovers her identity in the very spot where aliens established contact with the Earth. Kind of a teen dramedy/sci-fi show, with big special effects. Fortunately, J.J. Abrams is named showrunner. Keri Russell, Greg Grunberg, and all the hot people from "Roswell" star. Especially Shiri Appleby.

Thursday

"The Odd Couple" stars Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau. Done. Clive Anderson mercifully returns as host of "Whose Line Is It, Anyway?" "Lost" starts over, is told "you have 100 episodes to solve this thing. Go." Nikki and Paolo never show up, and no one ever tries to teach us the secret of Jack's tattoos. J.J. Abrams also has to return as showrunner.

Andy Garcia and Sean Connery reprise their movie roles in the TV version of "The Untouchables." Kevin Costner does not.

Someone shows Alfred Hitchcock, who was a practical joke player of disturbing intensity, a tape of one of those hidden camera scare shows and just says "you can do stuff like this on television now," then leaves the room. Hitchcock is given a gigantic budget and no oversight whatsoever.

Nobody on "Friends" ever has a baby, or tries to have a baby. They instead are forced to adopt "Seinfeld's" 'no hugging, no learning' policy. "The Office" spends three seasons trying to keep Pam and Jim apart. At the end of season three, they finally get together, and the show ends.

"Cheers" recasts Rhea Pearlman's part. "ER" has a cast of George Clooney, Noah Wyle, Maura Tierney, Anthony Edwards, Eriq La Salle, Julianna Marguilies, Linda Cardellini, Parminder Nagra, Shane West, Jorja Fox, and Busy Phillips. It goes off the air before it tries to do a smallpox scare for a second time.

"Smallville" picks up and moves to Metropolis, and Tom Welling begins his life as a young Superman, finding his way. Brian Singer is named executive producer, and Frank Langella and a young Marlon Brando join the cast.

Friday

Friday night's always been a bit of dumping ground, so this one got trickier.

On "Sabrina," we spend way less time with the aunts and way more time with the talking cat. The characters on "Boy Meets World" never go to college, though we do get that great subplot where Will Friedle goes to LA to become an actor. "Joan of Arcadia" is given a couple of seasons to discover how good a show it can be without everybody yelling at it about low ratings. It also stars the current, better-acting version of Amber Tamblyn as Joan, and Jeremy Renner as God.

I couldn't decide between "Dukes Of Hazzard" and "Moonlight," so in this new show, the Duke Brothers split their time between running from the law and vampire hunting. Likewise, I'm combining "The Love Boat," "Dallas," and "Falcon Crest." I can't even imagine what that would look like, but I would totally watch it.

Fox will run both "Firefly" and "Wonderfalls," and outside of broadcasting the programs will not interfere with either show in any way. It would also be up to the showrunners to decide how the show was marketed, not the Fox advertising department.

8 PM on Friday night for NBC was always a low-brain-cell affair, so I combined "Quantum Leap," "The A-Team," "Knight Rider," "Baywatch," and "Dark Angel." In it, the A-Team drives around in a giant talking Trans Am, fighting hordes of evil slow-motion lifeguards, masterminded by a leather jump-suited Jessica Alba. David Hasselhoff stars in it twice.

Nobody ever kills anybody on "Friday Night Lights." The amount of football played on the show is doubled.

"Star Trek" and "Star Trek: Enterprise" both return. J.J. Abrams is named showrunner for both.

Saturday

If you thought Friday night was bad, Saturday is even worse. These days, the networks literally don't program anything at all on Saturday nights. They just decide a week or two before what old movie or volleyball game they're gonna throw on. Sad.

"The Partridge Family" starts a competitive rivalry with the "Brady Bunch." Hijinks ensue, and everybody laughs and learns a valuable lesson. Then things get violent.

"Lawrence Welk's Dodge Dancing Party" returns to TV, because, oh my God, I can't believe a show was ever named that. David Lynch returns to "Twin Peaks," but Alfred Hitchcock is named executive producer. Gunsmoke is given the HBO "as violent as you wanna be, boys" treatment.

And of course, Fox does nothing but show "COPS" all night. God bless 'em.

Now, admit it - can you find even one thing about that TV season that you would not watch?

T9Word Update

2009-07-19T19:18:00.002-04:00

I'm dating a girl named Claire, but whenever I try to type her name into my phone, T9 still assumes that I'm looking to type the work "Blairf." Which, in addition to not being a word, sounds like a something I'd use to describe a slightly upscale vomiting, as in "after my seventh Tanqueray and tonic, I just went and blairfed behind the poplars before rejoining the group on the patio."

Man, I need a new phone.

My Top 100 Albums Of All-Time: #70-61

2009-07-11T19:54:00.004-04:00

70. Gin Blossoms - Outside Looking In (1999)
Gin Blossoms had a number of different hits throughout their career, including a #1 ("Found Out About You"), and two more top-ten hits ("Follow You Down" and "Til I Hear It From You") but to the world at large they're generally considered a one-hit wonder - though weirdly, not for any of their top-ten singles. Instead, the song that springs to everyone's mind is "Hey Jealousy," a song so ubiquitous that a full two years after its release, it still obstinately remained on the Billboard Top 100. In fact, the Gin Blossoms were the first band to usher in that signature 90's alternative-rock sound, writing songs so comfortable and familiar that they would never disappear from radio rotation, even to this day. It's a shame that their songwriter, the oft-soused and troubled guitarist Doug Hopkins, never got to see the waves his music created. He committed suicide in 1993, not long after he was fired from the band, who were so fed up with the music industry that they titled their major label debut New Miserable Experience, which was released to America at large with no fanfare and middling reviews. They had no idea they would end up being the forefathers of a new breed of folk-and-country-infused rock music, eventually giving way to Counting Crows, Toad the Wet Sprocket, the Cranberries, and of course Hootie and the Blowfish. The record ended up going multi-platinum, and by the time the third single ("Until I Fall Away") was released, critics had come around and hailed the record as "pure pop goodness."

I didn't discover the band until much later, when I purchased their best-of record, Outside Looking In, which collected both their hit singles and a number of much lesser-known and rarer tracks. It's spotty at times, but the record takes you back to a different time, when modern rock was an untapped commodity and good songwriting was finally coming back into vogue.

Download This: Until I Fall Away, Not Only Numb, Pieces Of The Night, As Long As It Matters

69. Ryan Adams - Demolition (2002)
This is not my favorite Ryan Adams record, as it's mostly filled with songs leftover from the recording sessions of his far superior works, Heartbreaker and Gold, but like any Adams record, it contains a few songs of such rough-hewn perfection that it's impossible not to be bowled over. Like "Desire," later featured in one of the top-ten "West Wing" episodes of all time (season 6's "King Corn"), and the king of all lost-love anthems, "Dear Chicago."

Download This: Dear Chicago, Desire, Hallelujah, You Will Always Be The Same

68. Copeland - Beneath Medicine Tree (2003)
I stumbled across this record in college, when it spread like wildfire across campus in the way that albums do in colleges these days (God bless you, MyTunes and loose firewall settings). Beneath Medicine Tree is a great album - the only one the band has ever managed to put together - but it still suffers from the same struggles all their records have: it's frustratingly inconsistent. Copeland knows what their strengths are - a band capable of crafting good, simple, pantingly desperate pop songs - but feel the need to try to punk up the record. The result is a vaguely cohesive mixed bag of songs, all of whom were written as simple acoustic melodies and then re-invented and re-layered, occasionally beyond recognition. When the album works, though, it really works, as with the sad, desperate opener ("Brightest"), or its more epic set pieces ("When Paula Sparks," "California"). Despite its shortcomings, the record plays through from beginning to end awfully well, though it's all too tempting to keep skipping back to the beginning of "California" to hear it over and over again.

Download This: California, When Paula Sparks, Brightest, When Finally Set Free

67. Caedmon's Call - Long Line Of Leavers (2000)
We've crossed a line in this list, since I came to this entry and said "how can this be at #67? I love this record!" Then I scrolled up and realized I couldn't move it any higher than I already had it. We've moved out of records I that I merely enjoy and into records with which I have a real lasting emotional connection. As with this record, which has two songs in heavy contention for my favorite Christian song of all time. By far the most controversial record they ever produced, this album came at the height of Caedmon's popularity, and set off a firestorm of fan protest. How dare they ditch their acoustic jam-style and layer in electric guitars and punchy horn solos? Fortunately for fans, the record Caedmon's chose to reinvent themselves on was also one of the best records they ever produced, an album so solidly written it's near-impossible to skip a track (well, maybe the quavering "Piece Of Glass" gets jumped a time or two). Personally, I'm torn between Derek Webb's deeply personal songs of confession and lost love ("What You Want," "Love Is Different,") and Cliff Young and Ed Cash's alternately catchy pop and elegiac dirges ("Love Alone," "Only One"). But then, the great thing about this record is that you don't have to chose.

Download This: What You Want, Love Alone, Love Is Different, Can't Lose You

66. Coldplay - Viva La Vida Or Death And All His Friends (2008)
This is the first of two Coldplay albums on this list, which is a little surprising, as I've always been a big Coldplay fan, but they just didn't make what proved to be a pretty tough cut here. What's more surprising is how quickly this album rose to prominence in their catalog for me. It's an album that's so strong that even though it was released at the height of Coldplay backlash, people still haven't been able to pick on the quality of the record since it's just such a beautiful recording. It's funny, but even though Coldplay is maybe the biggest band on the planet, Vida is really an underrated record. Working with superproducer Brian Eno, the band strips back all the pounding, semi-melodic piano and overworked lyrics that weakened X + Y and instead create more subtle orchestrations and a grander musical vision. While songs like "Viva La Vida" and "Lost!" have a clear pop radio sensibility, the album as a whole feels like a cohesive artistic statement. And a damn good one.

Download this: Lost!, Death and All His Friends, Viva La Vida, Life In Technicolor

65. Brave Saint Saturn - The Light Of Things Hoped For (2003)
Here's where doing research for these sorts of lists comes in handy - I discovered while looking this album up that Brave Saint Saturn finally released another record! Originally intended to be a "space trilogy," the band semi-disbanded at around the same time they finished this record (the band being a side project of another band - Five Iron Frenzy - that was disbanding at this time, I imagine it seemed pointless to continue), and so it seemed unlikely that the band would ever finish their "astro-rock odyssey," a term band frontman Reese Roper eventually admitted "doesn't really mean anything." The record was the second in a series about space and the voyage of the atronauts of a mythical Saturn 5 expedition, though the record was mixed with songs of all varieties, including Roper's pointed indictment of his ex-fiancé's sudden betrayal ("Enamel") and his memorial to a dead friend whose faith he admired ("Estrella"). A moody and unforgettable record. I'll be purchasing the follow-up very soon.

Download This: The Sun Also Rises, Estrella, Enamel, Daylight

64. Pete Yorn - Nightcrawler (2006)
Like The Light of Things Hoped For, this album is also part of a trilogy. And I'll just say it: not enough artists do trilogies. There's nothing like an artistic statement that says "I'm not just trying to sell records here, I'm trying to tell you story, and I will take six years to do it if I have to." Now, that's admirable. Yorn followed musicforthemorningafter with Day I Forgot, and then this record, through which we learned that it might not be all that fun to hang out with Pete Yorn for an extended period of time, but if we did we would certainly get an epic song out of our experience. I mean, in Day I Forgot, he writes a song about eating a burrito at a 7-11, for chrissakes. Nightcrawler perfectly fits Yorn's aesthetic, though, since Yorn's songs always seemed written the day after waking up from a particularly epically bad night, the theme of this record fits right in line with that mentality. Nightcrawler seems like a record composed at the exact second that you realize that the girl you came there with would not also be leaving with you. It's somehow at all times angry, depressed, vindictive, pleading, and deeply worshipful, which is not necessarily an easy thing to pull off. What's more, it's awfully consistently good.

Download This: The Man, Ice Age, Maybe I'm Right, Vampyre, For Us, Undercover

63. Jack Johnson - In Between Dreams (2005)
Jack Johnson isn't just good at what he does, he's effortless at it. He sounds like he lives in a completely different world than I do, and maybe he does. Imagine a world where you wake up on the beach to a perfect day, every day. You wander up and down the shore, the sun gently winking off the water. Your friends come over and you go out surfing, then you kick back in the shade and let the day wash over you, someone quietly strumming a guitar and humming a tune. Sometimes the mood overtakes you and you all join together in a chorus, but most of the time you lay back in the hammock, the sun flickering through the leaves, and just let the music play. The sun goes down, and you wander out by the water with your girl, the moonlight playing off her tanned skin as the stars come out. You fall asleep again on the beach, gazing up at the sky. Now, that's exactly what this album is like.

Download This: Better Together, Do You Remember, Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

62. Black Lab - See The Sun (2005)
To give you an idea of how long I waited for this record: one of the first CDs I ever purchased was Black Lab's Your Body Above Me, which came out in 1997. I had to wait 8 years for a follow-up record, which is an awfully long time for any music fan, and a touch soul-crushing for someone who's fourteen and has just discovered popular music to learn the hard way that it's never good to hear that your favorite new band is having "trouble with their label" (there's not a music fan in the world who doesn't flinch when they hear those words). Incredibly, the record ended up being worth the wait: not nearly as bleak as their first record, See The Sun was simply packed with well-crafted pop rock songs and heart-on-your-sleeve songwriting. Singer Paul Durham pours a honeyed Brit-whine vocal on top of songs of such desperation it's tough not to be drawn in. It's a rare band who entrances you as much at 22 as they do at 14 (take that, Brian Setzer Orchestra!).

Download This: Lonely Boy, Dream In Color, Circus Lights, See The Sun

61. Collective Soul - Dosage (1999)
I've now reached a point where seeing this CD only makes me think of an argument I once had with a friend, who told me he'd been a fan of Collective Soul since "right as they started getting big," which apparently was during this record. The fact that the band had already gone over six times platinum on their previous three records had somehow eluded him. I could not dissuade him of this perspective. In point of fact, this album was a classic "we're a giant band with something to prove" sort of record: their previous record (Disciplined Breakdown, a growly, early 90's sort of grungy rock record) hadn't sold as well, and there was a sense that Collective Soul was one of those 90's bands that had just overstayed their welcome and were on their way out. Instead, they released an album of outrageously catchy arena rock, with crunchy guitars and unmistakably anthemic choruses - the sort of album that re-invents nothing but makes you say as soon as you hear it "oh, yeah, I forgot how much I liked these guys!" Not that the album was necessarily timeless - their biggest hit, "Run," was part of the Varsity Blues soundtrack, a movie that ages faster than soap opera children - but instead remains perfectly of its time, a reminder of how solid late-90's alternative rock really was before Limp Bizkit ruined things for everyone.

Download This: Run, Heavy, Tremble For My Beloved, Crown

How awesome is THIS?

2009-07-10T12:45:00.004-04:00

Man, I want a Ben Linus bobblehead:

What's REALLY Wrong With Transformers

2009-07-09T22:21:00.004-04:00

It's already become passe to make fun of the Transformers movie, which somehow deserves both all the praise and every piece of scorn that gets heaped on it. Amidst the two and a half hours of amazingly cool footage of robots beating the tar out of each other, there was almost no plot, no character development, and some truly laughable storytelling elements. But while people have picked on virtually every discernible element in the movie, they've missed one of the key points that utterly destroyed whatever hope this movie had of remaining watchable throughout its gigantic runtime: the gross miscasting of Ramon Rodriguez.

Now, Rodriguez is not necessarily a bad actor, but he was cast in a role that required him to:
1. Be a computer nerd.
2. Have a funny alpha-male rivalry with non-alpha-male Shia LeBeouf.
3. Strike out with every girl he came to.
4. Have lots of throwaway "I'm so pathetic!" lines.
5. Panic and fake-cry throughout all the action.
6. Finally grow some balls right at the end, to the surprise of the viewer.

You know who you cast for a role like that? Someone who can play a geeky loser. Somebody short, or fat, who has bad hair or big glasses. Somebody who we root for even as they screw things up for everyone.

Someone like Jonah Hill, who they offered the role to and who turned it down. Someone who's a Jonah Hill type, a schlubby guy the audience feels a connection with and can laugh at.

Definitely not this guy:

No offense to Mr. Ramirez, who seems to be a fine actor, but he's a guy who's best known for his role in "The Wire," a show about life in the projects of Baltimore without a whole lot of slapstick comedy. So here's a list people who could've played that role better than Ramon Rodriguez without blinking an eye:

1.Jonah Hill
2. Josh Gad
3. Jay Baruchal
4. Justin Long
5. Michael Cera
6. Christopher Mintz-Plasse

And really, Michael Bay, you'll spend 16 months on post-production effects of cars turning into robots, but when one geeky actor turns you down, you decide to just ditch the whole casting call and hire whoever you feel like? At least with Megan Fox, there's a legitimate excuse there. Here, there's none.

Also, when Shia Lebeouf dies and travels to the Land Of The Primes, that was the stupidest thing I think I'd ever seen.

Root Beer Reviews: Virgil's

2009-07-09T21:56:00.003-04:00

Virgil's is a cocky sort of root beer. The label, not content to just make one overly exaggerated claim, is packed so full of superlative that it manages to claim twice, in two separate contexts, that its taste is "so pure, you'll swear it's made in heaven." The website is equally verbose in its praise:

Think of Virgil's as a gourmet root beer. We're what Ben and Jerry's is to ice cream, what Dom Perignon is to champagne. We're a micro-brewed root beer made with all-natural ingredients. We use herbs imported from around the world and unbleached pure cane sugar.

That's the introductory paragraph on the website, which also includes a number of recipes to which you can add Virgil's, which include Pecan Pie, Rootin' Tootin' Chocolate Torte, and Prawn Tempura (really!). This is a root beer with a high opinion of itself.

Unfortunately, it's not really a root beer that's all that great. I mean, it has some good qualities to it - it's creamy and has a nice taste to it right as it hits the palate - but it fails on a number of other levels. It's major problem? A nasty aftertaste that forced me to keep drinking to try to cover the strange sensation. When I finished the bottle, I was forced to dig up some pretzels to take out the taste. Not a good way to finish up a root beer experience. It also didn't translate well into other formats - it tasted pretty good cold, but was lousy once it got closer to room temperature. To be fair, I didn't try every available option for experiencing Virgil's Root Beer. I didn't make the prawn tempura.

More intriguing is the rumors of other taste sensations produced by Virgil's, including - wait for it - Bavarian Nutmeg Root Beer, which sounds just thrilling. If someone knows how to get their hands on a bottle, I'd be curious to learn just why Bavarian Nutmeg is superior to all other nutmegs.

All it in all, Virgil's is an acceptable, tasty root beer with some strong marks in its favor and equally strong ones against it. But if this is the Dom Perignon of root beer, Moët & Chandon should double-check their vintage.

And Don't Nod Understandingly If You Don't Understand, Because Then Later It Gets Confusing.

2009-06-26T22:23:00.002-04:00

Someone once said that videos are a lot of work. "For every minute of screen time, it takes a whole hour of work," announced this person.

This person, whoever he or she might be, was full of crap. Evidently this person was only throwing together vacation footage and snapshots in his basement to Green Day's "Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)," because that's utter claptrap. A major motion picture takes 600 people working overtime for 2 entire years to put together, and that's something like 3.6 million man-hours for 97 minutes of movie. Likewise, one-man production teams have to come up with concepts, shoot footage, import and organize it, edit into a cohesive video, do audio correction, do color correction, add graphics and soundtrack, export the video, compress it, and burn it to a DVD. Rather than the one-hour-to-one-minute equation, a stronger rule of thumb is to ask the producer how long the video will take to come together and when you can have it by, then assume he knows what he's talking about.

So to answer your question, no, you can't have your six-minute promo by the end of the day.

And that's why I love Conan.

2009-06-17T16:39:00.004-04:00

Remember a couple weeks back when I posted a link to the Hollywood Wax Museum auction, featuring a picture of an extremely creepy Tom Cruise?

Well, Conan O'Brien went to the Museum and bought him.

Root Beer Reviews

2009-06-17T01:18:00.003-04:00

Jonathan and I have been talking about me doing a series of Root Beer reviews for awhile. I'm gonna try to bang out a couple this week before I disappear to UM Army and then to New Hampshire.

I hope, eventually, to have a complete list of every important root beer catalogued.

Root Beer Review: Stewart's

2009-06-17T00:36:00.003-04:00

Stewart's is a go-to bottled root beer, the glass bottle you're most likely to find in restaurants after IBC. It's produced by Stewart's Restaurants and is so famous that the chain is now called Stewart's Root Beer, and it has it's own Facebook page. It was started in 1924 by a man named Frank Stewart (hardly startling, I'll admit), who thought he'd open a drive-in restaurant that served root beer in a frosty mug and salty popcorn. He then made the popcorn extremely salty, so that people would order more root beer. It's this sort of ingenuity that made America great.

He wanted to make his root beer stand out, so he spent time "working extensively with Flavor scientists" until he had a "unique blend of roots, herbs, and spices." That's a well-lived life, right there.

I figured I'd start this series of reviews off easy with a fairly comfortable, classic root beer - and I wasn't disappointed.

The Review:
Frank was right: Stewart's is a root beer to be served cold, in a frosty mug, with salty popcorn. It's one of those root beer where serving it under just the right conditions exponentially increases its quality. Served warm, it's just another root beer, maybe even a little weak. But deep-chilled and cracked open late at night after a long day - top notch. After drinking a couple Stewart's, I came to the conclusion that it's chief selling point is its excellent smoothness. It's similar to IBC, but with a touch less kick, and a refreshing hint of a creamy aftertaste.

The downside is that it's perhaps too smooth, its trip down your gullet too uneventful. After finishing about half a bottle, you'll put it down for a moment, then forget about it. You'll pick it up a few minutes later, thinking 'have I finished this? I can't recall.' And you never have. You've always got some left. With a good soda, that never happens.

Ultimately, I found Stewart's to be a solid, capable root beer, an excellent choice to pair with a meaty sub at a sandwich shop - vivacious enough to pay stick in your memory, subtle enough to not dominate the meal.

Grade: B, maybe a B+ in the right situation.

Henson's 11

2009-06-07T23:23:00.001-04:00

I thought this was fun, and it gives me an excuse to show Muppets.

MLB All-Star Ballot

2009-06-02T19:19:00.003-04:00

I generally fill out an MLB ballot for the All-Star game and send it in - since it's online now, it's easy to send in the maximum 25 entries in just a few minutes, so you feel like you've had some sort of real effect. Last year, for the first time, MLB.com offered stat comparison: you could click on a category and see the batting statistics for that group. This year, I noticed something interesting. The statistics offered were at-bats, battting average, home runs, runs batted in, and stolen bases. Useful statistics, all of them, but it missed a big one: runs scored.

On some sections, it's not that big a deal, I suppose. But when see mostly power numbers on an All-Star ballot, your votes will tend to swing towards the players who hit the long ball. Of course, your votes tend to go there anyway. Actually, scratch that, your votes tend to head towards players with famous names. Let's look at some of the players winning their respective categories:

AL SS
Player A: .311, 32 R, 7 HR, 25 RBI, 10 SB, .854 OPS
Player B: .373, 32 R, 7 HR, 30 RBI, 14 SB, 1.012 OPS

Player A is Derek Jeter, who has over a million votes. Player B is Jason Bartlett, who has just over 400,000.

AL OF
Player A: .240, 20 R, 6 HR, 24 RBI, 3 SB, .746 OPS
Player B: .208, 15 R, 5 HR, 14 RBI, 0 SB, .689 OPS
Player C: .324, 40 R, 3 HR, 25 RBI, 30 SB, .829 OPS
Player D: .313, 37 R, 12 HR, 42 RBI, 10 SB, .988 OPS

Player A is Josh Hamilton, currently 2nd in AL outfielder voting. Player B is Ken Griffey, Jr., currently 4th in AL outfielder voting. Player C is Carl Crawford, currently 5th in voting, and Player D is Torii Hunter, currently 6th. Ken Griffey, Jr. could make the All-Star team while batting .208 with an OPS under .700. That's just remarkable.

NL Catcher
Player A: .271, 14 R, 3 HR, 17 RBI, 2 SB, .717 OPS (45 games)
Player B: .217, 16 R, 0 HR, 16 RBI, 0 SB, .583 OPS (45 games)
Player C: .265, 17 R, 5 HR, 22 RBI, 0 SB, .748 OPS (44 games)
Player D: .318, 15 R, 5 HR, 18 RBI, 2 SB, .934 OPS (33 games)

Player A is Yadier Molina, one of the famous Catching Molina Brothers (his two brothers, Bengie and José are also starting MLB catchers). Player B is Jason Kendall, player C is Ivan Rodriguez. Player D is Brian McCann, who missed a couple weeks with blurriness and was forced to start wearing glasses. Kendall and Rodriguez have 33 major league seasons between them, while this is McCann's 5th season.

The current All-Star lineup looks like this:

AL
C Joe Mauer, MIN
1B Kevin Youkilis, BOS
2B Ian Kinsler, TEX
3B Evan Longoria, TB
SS Derek Jeter, NYY
OF Jason Bay, BOS
OF Josh Hamilton, TEX
OF Ichiro Suzuki, SEA

NL
C Yadier Molina, STL
1B Albert Pujols, STL
2B Chase Utley, PHI
3B David Wright, NYM
SS Hanley Ramirez, FLA
OF Ryan Braun, MIL
OF Raul Ibanez, PHI
OF Alfonso Soriano, CHC

For the record, my All-Star ballot looks like this:

C Joe Mauer, MIN
1B Kevin Youkilis, BOS
2B Aaron Hill, TOR
3B Evan Longoria, TB
SS Jason Bartlett, TB
OF Jason Bay, BOS
OF Carl Crawford, TB
OF Torii Hunter, LAA

NL
C Brian McCann, ATL
1B Albert Pujols, STL
2B Orlando Hudson, LAD
3B Ryan Zimmerman, WAS
SS Hanely Ramirez, FLA
OF Raul Ibanez, PH
OF Adam Dunn, WAS
OF Matt Kemp, LAD

XFM's Top British Songs of All Time

2009-06-02T13:14:00.009-04:00

XFM counted down what they considered the "definitive list" of the top British songs of all time. It's a travesty. Oasis has 9 songs on the countdown, including 4 in the top 10 and all three of the top spots. "Live Forever" is apparently the greatest British rock song of all time (it is, admittedly, a pretty good song).

By comparison, the Beatles have 5 songs in the top 100 and have no song that ranks higher than 18th ("Hey Jude"), behind Arctic Monkeys' "I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor," Muse's "Knights Of Cydonia," Pulp's "Common People," and The Jam's "A Town Called Malice." That last one stings (The Jam also have five songs on the list). Neither "Yesterday" or "Let It Be" made the list.

I know that Oasis is not just revered, but well-nigh worshipped in Britain, but... this list is just unacceptable. Muse, a very good - though not historically good - band, charts seven times ("Plug In Baby," for example, charts a few spots ahead of both "Come Together" and "Paint It Black"), while Led Zepplin charts a grand total of once (#51, 'Whole Lotta Love'). The Cure also only charts once (#79, "Close To Me,"), while The Verve and Arctic Monkey's both have two songs on the list and are both in the top ten.

How does a British radio station with some form of credibility expect to get away with this?

Now THAT'S How You Do It.

2009-05-29T17:17:00.002-04:00

I've gotten awfully tired of mediocre online promotions - The Dark Knight's was particularly spotty, as I recall, with both a clever "I Believe In Harvey Dent" poster campaign and a series of lousy YouTube videos - and that's why I'm excited about "Yo Teach!"

"Yo Teach!" is the fake and deliberately terrible sitcom promoting Judd Apatow's new comedy Funny People, a riff on the "Welcome Back Kotter" teacher-who-cares three-camera show, but if you stumbled over it (and lacked any knowledge of current pop culture) you wouldn't know it's fake. It's hosted on NBC.com, it has a real listed start time (Sept. 27th) and ad campaign "School's Back In Session This September!" Plus it stars Jason Schwartzman as "Mark Taylor Jackson," a completely unaware falling star.

There's both a clip and an EPK available. Watch the EPK first. In fact, I'll embed it.

My favorite bit is Jason Schwartzman's "hard to argue with that!" delivery in "Student Body." Is it just me, or does this look like it could honestly be a real comedy pilot on Fox five years ago?

ESPN: Fantasy Focus

2009-05-29T17:05:00.004-04:00

I mentioned earlier I was a part of ESPN's top fantasy league the other day, the Man's League, run by Matthew Berry and Nate Ravitz, their two top fantasy columnists. As such, I was a guest on the ESPN: Fantasy Focus podcast yesterday. I was a little nervous, but I still think it's cool that I was a guest, so I'll include the link here. I'm on from about 10 minutes from the end on.

You'll find it terribly boring if you don't follow fantasy baseball, of course. I'm just kinda proud.

Empire Online: The Cryptic Canvas

2009-05-29T16:48:00.003-04:00

I had loads of fun with this:

In honor of their 20th anniversary, Empire Online released a movie game called The Cryptic Canvas, a painting with 50 different movie titles hidden inside. Some are simple and straightforward, some are groaners, and some are fiendishly difficult. It's a good waste of a time while you're doing something else.

Here's a hint right out of the gate: all of the movies are from the past 20 years.

I've completed the puzzle, so I won't give anything away, but if you get stuck I'll put some hints for some of the hard ones in the comments, though even then I won't give anything away.

Kicked In The Nuts

2009-05-18T00:20:00.005-04:00

Here's what happens when a wedding videographer gets a little too close to a dance floor that's a little too small.

Take note the bride arriving at :40 to make sure I hadn't ruined her reception by becoming permanently injured.

Top Performances of American Idol: Season 8

2009-05-13T00:57:00.006-04:00

This post will probably be as controversial a post as anything I've ever posted, but I've gotta say: I went over this list half a dozen times, moving things up and down, removing things, putting them back in, etc., and this list has to be pretty close to an absolute.

We've got one more week of performances, though there's no reason to assume that any of them will be unbelievably great, since the judges will be picking songs for the contestants again (yay.), so I think we're safe to put the list on ice before a (hopefully) Adam and Kris finale next week.

Rabid Glambert and Danny fans might pour flame mail down my throat, but you have to admit - while Adam has been more than solid the whole season long, always effortless, always energetic, his two really only show-stopping moments are given their due here, and solid-but-unremarkable (for him) performances like "Black Or White," "Feeling Good," and "Play That Funky Music" don't make the list. Danny fans - what can I say? He's been solid all season, never surprising (save for that one time), and while his vocals have been excellent, how many can you look back on and say "that was an unbelievable performance." The couple weeks that qualify are listed here.

As for Lil, Scott, Megan, Michael, and (God forbid) Jorge and Jasmine fans, and those vague hangers-on from the Semi-finals (Ricky Braddy, everybody!), I can only apologize. You were all memorable. Just not in the right way.

Links are provided.

25. Jesse Langseth – “Bette Davis Eyes"
The only one on this list who didn't make the finals, she never really had a chance - she sang in the same semi-final group that Alison did. How good was this song, though? The backbeat on it, and those smoking vocals over that snapping groove. And Jasmine beat her to the finals because the judges thought she might be a 'package artist.' Grr.

24. Matt Giraud - "Part Time Lover"
Matt was unfortunate to never really start to find a real comfort level until the end of the competition, but this was one of the performances where he remained completely in the zone, (mercifully) not killing the melody with riffing.

23. Anoop Desai - "True Colors"
Anoop hit a stretch early on where it was clear the only thing that was really working for him was slow, soulful ballads, something he fought endlessly and unsuccessfully. His best moments were always these quiet, understated vocals, and this was one his very best.

22. Kris Allen - "Heartless"
The only real standout from the top three's showdown tonight was Kris' attempt to get America's attention by covering Kanye West's "Heartless," a strong choice since it's a current and musically interesting song famously sung by a terrible singer, so the only place to go was up. Choosing to do it with just an acoustic and stretching his vocals to their limits, though, was a gutsy call.

21. Danny Gokey - "Get Ready"
We learned early on that if Gokey could get a chorus in his range that just needed him to slam the gas to the floor, that was a moment worth waiting for. Of all his faster moments, complete with gloriously awkward dancing and self-conscious glances at the camera, he never hit harder or more effectively than he did right here.

20. Alexis Grace - "I Never Loved A Man (The Way I Love You)"
The performance that swept Alexis into the finals (where she was immediately swept right out again) was so good that everyone believed that bogus news story floating around at the beginning of the season that the producers already had their top 4 picked out and Alexis was in it. Of course, her getting booted after her lovely but ill-advised version of "Jolene" the second week ended that conspiracy theory pretty quickly.

19. Matt Giraud - "So Small"
Nobody really made it through Country Week that well (except for Anoop, of course). It's somehow just not a good week for most singers, for some reason. Still, Matt did some interesting things to Carrie Underwood's hit and really made it sound like something that could be on an album he made. Not bad for a guy who is quite emphatically not a country artist.

18. Kris Allen - "She Works Hard For The Money"
Ah, Disco Week. Where everyone falls all over each other to try to "re-invent" disco (as if anyone invented it the first place. I maintain it was accidentally discovered, like how Marie Curie discovered uranium. I hope whoever it was suffered the same fate). Kris ended up the only person looking untouched at the end of the night with a stripped-down acoustic version of the Donna Summer classic.

17. Allison Iraheta - "Someone To Watch Over Me"
Trust me, this is the first of many Allison performances. How she managed to remain skating through in the bottom three each week despite so many jaw-dropping performances is beyond me, but this was one of my favorites. Imbued with all the desperation and trembling vulnerability the song requires, Allison connected with the song in such a way that it would've made Mr. Holland re-write his Opus all over again (Dreyfuss references!).

16. Matt Giraud - "Who's Loving You"
We'd gotten the impression that Matt was a good singer during Hollywood week, but his Semi-final performance of "Viva La Vida" (though not nearly as bad as everyone says it was) didn't give us much to go on. When he went back to his roots during Wild Card week, it was game over. Despite the judges very clear efforts to jam as many girls into the Top 12 as possible (Jasmine Murray!), it was clear that Matt had made a home for himself on the Idol stage.

15. Adam Lambert - "Born To Be Wild"
Adam has mercifully dialed down the endless showboat wailing that marred his early performances, though he hasn't exactly figured out how to bring the energy back up without alienating fans ("Cryin" was a good step forward this week), sometimes it's best when he lets it all good. "Wild" was every bit as good a vocal as Adam had all year, plus his crowd-pleasing head-banging made for a great show.

14. Danny Gokey - "What Hurts The Most"
There's a moment in this song where it gets big, and you need a big vocal to make it work, and as soon as it hit that part, everyone watching said 'oh, wow, yeah, that's why he picked this song.' Watch it back now. I still get goosebumps.

13. Allison Iraheta - "Papa Was A Rolling Stone"
No matter how big the song, no matter how fast the lyrics fly, no matter how old the material, if a song is rocking enough, Allison will destroy it. Every time.

12. Matt Giraud - "Let's Get It On"
The song that made everyone - even the judges! - snap to and say 'y'know, this guy's got a real chance at that thing.' The swipe of the mike off the piano stand and the subsequent stride to center stage just announced with every little motion an eye-catching, veteran performer. And speaking of eye-catching, it should be noted both how outrageously tight his jeans were, and how disturbingly excited Kara was at the end of the performance.

11. Adam Lambert & Allison Iraheta - "Slow Ride"
Everything about this performance makes me feel happy - the two of them trading lines, exchanging riffs, interacting and grinning at each other, plus the giant hug at the end that showed how genuinely thrilled for each other they were. I hope they actually do let them do it on the tour and not one of those awful group numbers that drag every results show into the ground.

10. Anoop Desai - "Always On My Mind"
I still remember the moment Anoop started singing this song and my jaw just dropped to the floor. Up to this point we'd seen Anoop perform at least four times, and there wasn't the slightest indication he had this sort of vocal. But the moment he opened his mouth for this song, it was like you could hear a pin drop in the Idol auditorium.

9. Allison Iraheta – “Alone”
At the time Allison performed this in the semi-finals, we had absolutely no idea who she was. She hadn't been seen in previous segments, we'd barely seen her face during Hollywood week, and so we knew she wasn't one of the go-to season favorites (which at that point were Danny, Matt, and Lil, I'm pretty sure). But once she started singing, she'd vaulted into the top 13 before the song was even done. Still one of her best vocals from the season.

8. Matt Giraud - "You Found Me"
This must be the year's most underrated performance. Maybe it was performing the song from the pit in front of the stage. Maybe it was being surrounded by 50 fans who could not clap on any of the beats. Maybe it was that awful Members Only jacket. I don't know. But Matt killed on this song, pouring grit into the melody and riffing off to give it a soulful edge. I'll point out that this is the only week during his last stretch where he didn't end up in the bottom three.

7. Allison Iraheta - "I Can't Make You Love Me"
How is it that such an adult sort of song about complex relationships sounded so natural when sung by a sixteen-year-old girl? She was so heart-breaking on this song, a selection, it should be pointed out, from "Songs From The Year You Were Born" week.

6. Danny Gokey - "Come Rain Or Come Shine"
As stellar as Danny's vocals have been (until recently), it wasn't until Rat Pack week that Danny really had that moment that made you say 'man, that's why this guy is here. No one else could've done that.' And all because that song has so many moments where it seems like it's about to get huge, and you brace for it, and Danny reigns it back in, keeping you waiting for the big finale that makes it all worth it.

5. Kris Allen - "Falling Slowly"
How lousy was Movie Music week? Out of seven performances, we had two (two!) Bryan Adams songs, Danny brought a harp player onto the stage, and even Allison was kinda mediocre. While Adam brought the show some energy on "Born To Be Wild," it was Kris' sweet, gentle take on "Falling Slowly" that reminded us of just how outstanding a singer Kris really is - and gives lie to Simon's endless insistence that Kris shouldn't be in the finals because he's not a good enough vocalist.

4. Allison Iraheta - "Cry Baby" (post-elimination)
Her Rock week vocal was a little rocky, though I think we can't blame bad vocals for sending her home that week (Oh, Danny, why?). But once she got eliminated, her farewell performance was pitch-perfect and emotionally stunning. Where most people halfheartedly stumble through the song that dropped them from competition, Allison gave us one more reason to remember that we'll be seeing her again soon.

3. Adam Lambert - "Mad World"
A lot of people assume that this should be number one, but at least for me, once I heard that Adam was doing "Mad World," I said 'oh, he'll do the Gary Jules version.' And of course he did. But that's nothing to take away from Adam's vocal, which is both haunting and impressive, and his tender, understated (!) performance.

2. Kris Allen - "Ain't No Sunshine"
Nobody else this season has had a moment quite like this - a melodic reinvention of a song so gripping that the judges had to admit that they could see the song being played on the radio right then. It's the only time this year I heard a performance and knew that I'd be buying that person's album when it came out, no matter what.

1. Adam Lambert - "Tracks Of My Tears"
Was there any doubt? Remember, up until this performances Adam was a sharply divisive candidate, as fans either deplored him and his persistent wailing, or found him to be the best contestant Idol had ever seen (I was in the former group, though I was starting to come around a little). But "Tracks Of My Tears" - slow, acoustic, and poignant - was unlike any performance we'd ever seen from him, and still let him show off his remarkable vocal range. Looking back, we'll almost certainly end up saying 'and that's the moment he won American Idol.'

Disagree with me? I'm not surprised. I'm not backing down on this list though.

50 Things (I Think) I Know About Star Trek

2009-05-11T16:45:00.009-04:00

In about an hour, I'm going to go see Star Trek, J.J. Abrams' reinvention of the classic franchise. I mentioned yesterday that I was excited about seeing the movie even though I've never seen any of the movies or watched the show - after all, it's being billed as a "Star Trek for the rest of us" - and Claire thought it was ridiculous that I'd never really seen any "Star Trek" before this.

But despite my complete lack of exposure to anything from the Trek universe before this, I know a good deal about it. Everyone does. It's inescapable. In fact, here's 50 things I know about "Trek" despite having never seen any of it.

50 Things (I Think) I Know About Star Trek

1. Captain James T. Kirk is played by William Shatner in the original series.
2. Kirk would have sex with anything, on any planet, that seemed even vaguely feminine.
3. A LOT of those aliens looked awfully human and perfectly acceptable for Kirk to have sex with.
4. If Kirk seemed to be falling in love with one of these aliens, it was absolutely certain that this creature would be dead by the end of the show/movie.
5. There are ten "Star Trek" movies.
6. All of the even-numbered Trek movies are good.
7. All of the odd-numbered Trek movies are weird and/or terrible.
8. This movie is the eleventh, and therefore the one that seems to be capable of breaking the streak.
9. There are three Star captains. Shatner was Kirk, Patrick Stewart was Picard, and then there was a female captain who a lot of people hated.
10. Female Trek fans call the female captain a "great female role model." Male Trek fans just pine endlessly for Kirk and Picard.
11. In the later seasons/reboots/whatever, The U.S.S. Enterprise, for no logical reason, has a holodeck.
12. The major purpose of the holodeck seems to be exposition.
13. Sometimes people hang out in the holodeck in order to play chess with Sherlock Holmes, or whatever, because when you have a holodeck, you have to write it into the script a whole lot, or else everyone makes fun of it for being useless.
14. People spend exorbitant amounts of time explaining the science of the holodeck, or questioning its validity as a scientific object.
15. All of this time should really be spent on much more important things.
16. Every fight scene in "Star Trek," the show, has been abysmally terrible.
17. Having William Shatner fight a guy in a rubber suit while dramatic music plays in the background was always a really bad idea, so there's no excuse.
18. Leonard Nimoy got to speak with a monotone for, like, 20 years, and is now heralded as a great actor with no validity whatsoever.
19. Shatner is also regarded as great actor just because he's "in on the joke." This is a stupid reason to be considered a great actor.
20. Wesley Crusher was played by a guy named Wil Wheaton, who looked exactly like the way you'd imagine a guy named Wil Wheaton to look.
21. Uhura, who will be played by Zoe Saldana in the new movie, was originally played by an actress named... I dunno, some other actress who wore a miniskirt and was black. This was regarded as a huge step forward for our culture.
22. The fact that Trek fans regarded this as a huge step forward for our culture says a lot more about Trek fans than it does about our culture.
23. Uhura hooked up with Kirk and managed to not die, one of the most impressive feats any character managed on early Trek television.
24. "Bones" McCoy was a hothead, which was probably how he managed to get the stupidest nickname on television.
25. McCoy might have been a doctor, which is why he was named "Bones" - y'know, the ol' "sawbones" nickname. It's still a dumb name.
26. McCoy always battled with Spock, a classic example of emotion vs. logic.
27. The fact that people withdrew great insights from these arguments would be a very great example of the former.
28. The navigator was Sulu, played by George Takei. He was supposedly a fencer of some kind, an exceedingly useful skill in outer space.
29. Sulu spent very little time navigating and most of his time counting down the seconds until the ship would explode.
30. Scotty was the engineer who always miraculously kept the ship from exploding after the crew had screwed everything up again. Engineers everywhere found this appropriate.
31. He was nicknamed "Scotty" because his last name was Scott, a nicknaming habit that unfortunately did not extend to Kirky, Spocky, or later, Picardy and Crushery.
32. Everyone agrees "Wrath of Khan" was the best Star Trek movie ever.
33. In it, someone - probably Kirk - yells "Khaaaaaaaan!" at the skies in a dramatic fashion.
34. The reason they do this is because Spock died.
35. The death didn't actually take, because no one wanted to see "Star Trek" without Spock.
36. Other Best Star Trek movies are IV and VI, and I think VIII is also up there.
37. In one of them - I think, "The Voyage Home," the Kirk and Spock-version crew goes back in time to 1960s or 1970's Earth. Hijinks ensue.
38. The crew wasn't supposed to change anything while they were in the past, but of course they did, which probably should've screwed everything up but didn't, because that would be too problematic to write about.
39. There's a scene in the movie where one of the actors is asking passers-by questions, and it's all their real responses. It's the old hidden-camera trick.
40. Everyone finds this very cool, and not at all gimmicky.
41. Despite the fact that it's very, very gimmicky.
42. People debate Picard vs. Kirk all the time, because Patrick Stewart was cool and collected, and Shatner was animated and fun and talked with a weird cadence, and so they're very different and the debate rages endlessly.
43. Shatner got a leg up by going first, of course. If the original captain had been someone like Patrick Stewart and he'd been replaced by someone like William Shatner, there would have been rioting in the street.
44. In the later series, there's another token black guy who wears weird sunglasses. No one saw this as a big step forward for our country, not even "Star Trek" fans.
45. The crew from the original series were in movies I-VI, the crew from "Star Trek: The Next Generation" were in movies VII-X, and the crummy casts from the other crummy versions haven't been in any movies at all.
46. Scott Bakula was also the captain of one of the versions of Star Trek, because Sci-Fi fans love them some Scott Bakula. It wasn't "Deep Space Nine," though, cause that was some other dude whose name I don't know.
47. "Star Trek" has its own version of the Ewoks, only lamer. They look like some sort of gerbil-housecat mixed breed. Apparently one of them will be in the background somewhere in the new movie.
48. Spock was a Vulcan, who apparently mate something like every seven years, though I imagine that event happened just in time for May sweeps at least one year.
49. There's a Klingon language that people memorize, and the word for "why" is "qatlh." This has stuck in my head, though I'm not totally sure what a Klingon looks like. I think they're the ones with the Triceratops forehead.
50. Despite never having seen any "Star Trek," I honestly did not have to look up any of this stuff. This says much about how my brain works, since I regularly can't remember what my weekend plans are and where exactly I agreed to be.

Flight Of The Conchords

2009-05-08T17:04:00.010-04:00

I need to post about this, just because the website is a blog called "Topless Robot," and I had it as a tab on my browser when my head pastor came into my office. And naturally, we had to hunt around online for something while he was in here. Great, uncomfortable fun.

Anyway, Topless Robot has come up with a "The Ten Best Flight of the Conchords Songs" (with YouTubes embedding for quick viewing). While the list is certainly a close approximation of what might be considered FOTC best work, my list would actually look like this:

Honorable Mention: Sello Tape, Inner City Pressure, It's Business Time

10.Robots
The first FOTC song that ever really registered with American culture at all, and it did so because it's a better live song than it is a musical episode. Though it did give us one of the better scenes from the pilot, the filming of the music video, where we all came to love Murray (Bret: We wanted robot costumes like Daft Punk. Murray: Well, I don't know who that is.).

9. Think About It
Another live-vs.-music-video argument could be made here, though the song certainly outdistances it by being so deadpan hilarious - "they're turning kids into slaves just to make cheaper sneakers, but what's the real cost, 'cause the sneakers don't seem that much cheaper! What are your overheads?" FOTC are masters of the second punchline - they hit the rhyme, then riff a little at the end to try to jam a couple new jokes in there before the next line - and this song is their best example of that ("mmmm... turns out he's dead!") Also, it's funny just because Bret and Jermaine's frenetic half-dancing is much funnier than any staged choreography.

8. If You're Into It
I don't know how this actress manages to keep such a straight face during this song, especially since she's in such close proximity to Jermaine's crotch for so much of the time. There's a reason this is FOTC most-watched YouTube video.

7. Sugarlumps
Jermaine and Bret's ode to their nutsacks only ranks this low because of Dave's somewhat unispired rap section at the tail end of the song drops it a couple notches, leaving it the second-most-danceable FOTC song about their genitalia from the second season. Lots of songwriters fall into a rhythm like that. Like how Dylan sings about trains a lot.

6. The Most Beautiful Girl In The Room
This was a fairly startling moment when it first happened, because up until this point in the pilot, this was just another hipster HBO show, and then Jermaine starts singing, and you realize that the whole show is going to be a musical, and then you hear what he's singing about, and you realize the whole show is going to be an ironic musical. The song's classic for Bret hanging around the edges in order to sing backup.

5. Too Many Dicks (On The Dancefloor)
And here's the other dance-song-about-men's-genitalia from Season Two. Like "Carol Brown," which you'll find later on the countdown, it's directed by indie auteur Michel Gondry, whose style proved to be a perfect match for FOTC's off-beat whimsy. I'm a Gondry fan, though I think he sometimes goes wildly off the rails (The Science of Sleep, I'm looking at you), and it's nice to see him do some work with a little structure, an obstruction that seems to bring out the best nonsense in him.

4. Leggy Blond
This song keeps ranking high on people's "Best Of" lists, though I don't know if it translates into a straight YouTube video unless people realize that the whole episode was about writing the song and most of the lyrics are from Murray's episode-long hunt for rhymes for the word "hi," the only lyric he'd managed to write that he was happy with.

3. Not Cryin'
This is one of those moments where the ability to make video really makes the song. Shot in dramatic black-and-white, it's brilliantly overdramatic in addition to being, of course, lyrically clever.

2. Carol Brown (Stick Around)
This song's good for all the reasons FOTC songs normally are - clever, fun, catchy - but this one takes it to a whole other level by just being so outrageous hook-laden. Jermaine's choir of ex-girlfriends singing behind him, the string and horn sections, the brief moments of slow self-reflection - plus the fun of writing a song that's exactly the opposite of Paul Simon's "50 Ways To Leave Your Lover." It's like listening to SNL's "Bon Jovi Opposite Band,' Jon Bovi.

1. Hiphopopotamus Vs. Rhymenocerous
And of course, this is number one. This was a fun, off-kilter faux hip-hop song when the band used to play it on stage, but once they started the show and made it into a full-fledged rap song, it became so much more funny. Watch and see:

Why Yes, I Would Like A Lifesize Richie Cunningham.

2009-05-06T19:55:00.003-04:00

The Hollywood Wax Museum is auctioning off a lot of their older wax figures, epecially 70's and 80's figurines. I was intrigued and hunted through to see if I could find one that I liked, but they turned out to be terrible. Even Zombie Michael Jackson was terrible. How do you mess that one up?

That's Tom Cruise on the left there. I kid you not.

2009 Youkilis

2009-05-04T22:57:00.008-04:00

Two years ago, I made the argument that Kevin Youkilis was the best first baseman for the price in the American League. At the time, Youkilis was hitting .342 with an OPS of .956 and making $424,500 a year. Not only that, he wasn't on the All-Star Ballot, which I found to be a complete travesty.

This offseason, Youkilis got an extension and a huge bump in pay. But he's hitting the cover off the ball this year, so the question needs to be asked: is Youkilis still the best value at his position in the American League? How about in all of baseball?

As it turned out, I didn't have time to run the numbers of all the NL players, so here's the AL comparison. Stats are listed below, so you can draw your own conclusions (by the way, Ryan Garko? Still seriously underpaid) but here's the rundown:

Top AL First Basemen (in terms of production)

1. Miguel Cabrera - Detroit Tigers
2009 Stats: .391, 6 HR, 19 RBI, 1.049 OPS
2008 Stats: .292, 37 HR, 127 RBI .886 OPS

2. Mark Texeira - New York Yankees
2009 Stats: .182, 3 HR, 11 RBI, .692 OPS
2008 Stats: .308, 33 HR, 121 RBI, .962 OPS

3. Justin Morneau - Minnesota Twins
2009 Stats: .324, 6 HR, 21 RBI, .962 OPS
2008 Stats: .300, 23 HR, 129 RBI, .873 OPS

4.Kevin Youkilis - Boston Red Sox
2009 Stats: .393, 6 HR, 20 RBI, 1.112 OPS
2008 Stats: .312, 29 HR, 115 RBI, .959 OPS

5. Aubrey Huff - Baltimore Orioles
2009 Stats: .279, 3 HR, 23 RBI, .807 OPS
2008 Stats: .304, 32 HR, 108 RBI, .912 OPS

6. Carlos Pena - Tampa Bay Rays
2009 Stats: .271, 11 HR, 28 RBI, 1.041 OPS
2008 Stats: .247, 31 HR, 102 RBI, .891 OPS

7. Mike Jacobs - Kansas City Royals
2009 Stats: .244, 4 HR, 13 RBI, .742 OPS
2008 Stats: .247, 32 HR, 93 RBI, .813 OPS

8. Jason Giambi - Oakland A's
2009 Stats: .213, 1 HR, 10 RBI, .637 OPS
2008 Stats: .247, 32 HR, 96 RBI, .875 OPS

9. Hank Blalock - Texas Rangers
2009 Stats: .258, 7 HR, 19 RBI, .865 OPS
2008 Stats: .287, 12 HR, 38 RBI, .846 OPS (65 Games)

10. Lyle Overbay - Toronto Blue Jays
2009 Stats:.242, 3 HR, 11 RBI, .889 OPS
2008 Stats: .270, 15 HR, 69 RBI, .777 OPS

Top AL First Basemen (in terms of salary)

1. Miguel Cabrera - Detroit Tigers
2009 Salary: $14.4 Million

2. Mark Texeira - New York Yankees
2009 Salary: $12.5 Million

3. Paul Konerko - Chicago White Sox
2009 Salary: $12 Million

4. Justin Morneau - Minnesota Twins
2009 Salary: $11.6 Million

5. Aubrey Huff - Baltimore Orioles
2009 Salary: $8 Million

6. Carlos Pena - Tampa Bay Rays
2009 Salary: $8 Million

7. Lyle Overbay - Toronto Blue Jays
2009 Salary: $7.95 Million

8. Kevin Youkilis - Boston Red Sox
2009 Salary: $6.25 Million

9. Hank Blalock - Texas Rangers
2009 Salary: $6.2 Million

10. Jason Giambi - Oakland A's
2009 Salary: $4 Million

I think it's safe to say that Kevin Youkilis is giving you pretty close to the best value available.

American League Stats and Salaries

Aubrey Huff - Baltimore Orioles
2009 Salary: $8 Million
2009 Stats: .279, 3 HR, 23 RBI, .807 OPS
2008 Stats: .304, 32 HR, 108 RBI, .912 OPS

Kevin Youkilis - Boston Red Sox
2009 Salary: $6.25 Million
2009 Stats: .393, 6 HR, 20 RBI, 1.112 OPS
2008 Stats: .312, 29 HR, 115 RBI, .959 OPS

Mark Texeira - New York Yankees
2009 Salary: $12.5 Million
2009 Stats: .182, 3 HR, 11 RBI, .692 OPS
2008 Stats: .308, 33 HR, 121 RBI, .962 OPS

Carlos Pena - Tampa Bay Rays
2009 Salary: $8 Million
2009 Stats: .271, 11 HR, 28 RBI, 1.041 OPS
2008 Stats: .247, 31 HR, 102 RBI, .891 OPS

Lyle Overbay - Toronto Blue Jays
2009 Salary: $7.95 Million
2009 Stats:.242, 3 HR, 11 RBI, .889 OPS
2008 Stats: .270, 15 HR, 69 RBI, .777 OPS

Paul Konerko - Chicago White Sox
2009 Salary: $12 Million
2009 Stats: .310, 3 HR, 18 RBI, .865 OPS
2008 Stats: .240, 22 HR, 62 RBI, .782 OPS

Ryan Garko - Cleveland Indians
2009 Salary: $446,100
2009 Stats: .290, 1 HR, 10 RBI, .792 OPS
2008 Stats: .273, 14 HR, 90 RBI, .750 OPS

Miguel Cabrera - Detroit Tigers
2009 Salary: $14.4 Million
2009 Stats: .391, 6 HR, 19 RBI, 1.049 OPS
2008 Stats: .292, 37 HR, 127 RBI .886 OPS

Mike Jacobs - Kansas City Royals
2009 Salary: $3.275 Million
2009 Stats: .244, 4 HR, 13 RBI, .742 OPS
2008 Stats: .247, 32 HR, 93 RBI, .813 OPS

Justin Morneau - Minnesota Twins
2009 Salary: $11.6 Million
2009 Stats: .324, 6 HR, 21 RBI, .962 OPS
2008 Stats: .300, 23 HR, 129 RBI, .873 OPS

Kendry Morales - Los Angeles Angels
2009 Salary: $1.1 Million
2009 Stats: .274, 4 HR, 16 RBI, .867 OPS
2008 Stats: .213, 3 HR, 8 RBI, .666 OPS (27 Games)

Jason Giambi - Oakland A's
2009 Salary: $4 Million
2009 Stats: .213, 1 HR, 10 RBI, .637 OPS
2008 Stats: .247, 32 HR, 96 RBI, .875 OPS

Russell Branyan - Seattle Mariners
2009 Salary: $1.4 Million
2009 Stats: .324, 7 HR, 15 RBI, 1.043 OPS
2008 Stats: .250, 12 HR, 20 RBI, .925 OPS (50 Games)

Hank Blalock - Texas Rangers
2009 Salary: $6.2 Million
2009 Stats: .258, 7 HR, 19 RBI, .865 OPS
2008 Stats: .287, 12 HR, 38 RBI, .846 OPS (65 Games)

Basketball Things

2009-05-04T13:09:00.006-04:00

Malcolm Gladwell has a great piece in the New Yorker on David vs. Goliath and the importance of the full court press.

Here's the Barack Obama version of "Where Will Amazing Happen This Year?" Also, here's the Teen Wolf and Hoosiers versions, courtesy of Bill Simmons - who, I'm very disappointed to say, announced that his new book will end up being called The Book of Basketball and not Tuesdays With Horry.

Look for the Celtics to shock the Magic tonight despite gaudy stats from Dwight Howard.

Why yes. I am on the Twitter. You can find me on the Internets whenever you want.

2009-05-04T01:36:00.004-04:00

I finally joined Twitter - if you have one, you can follow me.

I discovered something interesting about trends by noticing something I did in the lead-up to my finally getting on Twitter. I had about fifteen conversations with people on Twitter explaining my reluctance to get one for all the normal reasons ("everyone just says what they're doing or what they just ate"/"it's just a popularity contest"/"it's just a fad"/"I don't want to be updating it constantly or having people constantly complain about how I haven't updated"/etc.) At the end of each conversation, I'd just say "yeah, I just really don't think I'm gonna get one." After a while, without really thinking about it, I suddenly just went online and got an account, telling myself "well, I just won't be one of those people who updates random crap constantly." At about the same time, a watched a couple other people go through the exact same process - we even had conversations together explaining how we weren't going to get on Twitter, and then we all did.

I think that when a new fad arrives, people need to have those conversations, where they make every excuse and explanation for not getting the new technology until they run out of enthusiasm for having this conversation over and over, and just go get the new whatever-it-is. You see this with people in my parents' generation all the time: they keep explaining how they don't want a cell phone, and won't use a cell phone, and are annoyed by cell phones, and then suddenly, without fanfare, they have a cell phone. You just reach a point where by constantly explaining to everyone else why you don't want something, you end up talking yourself into it.

Now I just need to find a way to exploit this.

11 Points

2009-05-04T01:25:00.003-04:00

I wanted to share my latest discovery - the 11 Points Blog, where a TV writer just makes lists of 11 things. Simple concept, great execution - he does the research to make all the posts funny, which is something I can never find the energy to do, myself. It's like Book Of Ratings before the guy stopped writing and decided to just make a crummy webcam show.

I'm still poking through the archive, but here's a couple posts that are early favorites:

11 Early Roles The Cast of "Lost" Wishes We'd All Forget (Josh Holloway in an Old Navy commercial with Fran Drescher and a chimp! Evangeline Lilly in a Canadian phone sex ad!)
11 Damn Near Identical Movies That Were Released At The Same Time (The Illusionist Vs. The Prestige makes the list, and yes, he has the common sense to pick The Prestige as the better movie)
11 Terms That Are Too Cute For What They Actually Mean (Number one on the list: "friendly fire.")

Fantastic internet time-waster.

Where WILL Amazing Happen This Year?

2009-05-04T01:21:00.003-04:00

Alright, now that we've all seen the ads a million times: is the NBA's "Where Will Amazing Happen This Year" ad campaign the greatest series of ads a sports league has ever produced? Is there even anything else in the running?

Also, which one of those ads is the best? Outside of the Celtics ones, I'm partial to Kobe's game-winner, myself.

Ice-T FINALLY gets to play his dream role: the voice of a mule with super powers.

2009-04-28T17:07:00.001-04:00

I do not buy that this is a real movie. I do not.

The Snuggie Goes Worldwide

2009-04-27T15:22:00.002-04:00

Contracts make everything ridiculous again.

2009-04-24T15:57:00.004-04:00

Long before shooting ever begins on movies, agents haggle out "billing" for their clients. This basically means that whenever there's promotional material of any kind that mention the actor's name (posters, trailers, opening title sequences, etc.), the actors have to be listen in a certain order. Getting "top billing" on a movie means that you're listed first, regardless - and this is important - regardless of whether or not that's an advisable option. And that's how we get stuff like this:

This is especially funny when you consider what we know about what teams Rodriguez and Diesel play for. You have to wonder why the photographer and designer didn't say to themselves "y'know, I bet Diesel has top billing in this movie, so we should probably put them in order from left to right." Speaking of the photographer, is it just me, or is Michelle Rodriguez rather cross-eyed in this picture?

I tried to find other examples of this online, certain that there'd be a website devoted to this phenomenon, but couldn't find much. If anyone finds one, let me know, please. Here's a couple examples I did find, though, since it happens more often in ensemble casts with big egos:

And sometimes even in ensemble casts with big egos and almost no talent at all. To be fair, though, other than Seth Green being considerably shorter, who can really tell these guys apart?

And, finally, this similarly-postered and extremely well-titled Showtime series.

In the olden days, who got top billing made a huge difference in terms of the poster. In The Towering Inferno, Steve McQueen, William Holden, and Paul Newman were all battling over top billing. The studio decided that Holden wasn't a big enough star anymore to get top billing, so it was between McQueen and Newman (this wouldn't be the last time the issue would emerge between them - McQueen would later drop out of Butch Cassidy since he wasn't going to get top billing over Newman in the movie). The studio compromised by putting McQueen on the lower left and Newman on the upper right, so depending on whether you read it from the top down or from left to right, there was a different star with "top billing."

It wasn't until much later that the name on the far left was considered to have "top billing." It remains remarkable to me that movie stars would pull out of movies over such nonsense. Say what you will about actors now, more often than not you see examples going the other way - Kevin Spacey deliberately pulled his name out of all promotion for Se7en so that his appearance at the end of the movie would remain a surprise. Ditto for Gene Hackman in The Mexican. (Apologies if I spoiled the end of Se7en for you. No apologies if I spoiled The Mexican) And David Hyde Pierce refused credit for being the voice of Abe Sapian in Hellboy since he felt the actor who had emodied the fishlike suit (a clearly non-claustrophobic Doug Jones) had created the character far more than he had.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to go see what Vin Diesel really looks like in Fast and Furious.

Who's Excited For Midseason Replacements? I See That Hand!

2009-04-16T23:51:00.011-04:00

TV promos happen three times a year. And the first time is okay. It's at the tail end of the summer, you're bored and ready for the TV season to start, and the networks know this. And so - bam! - a glut of promos, reminding you to return to the show you always loved. There'll be one or two new shows mixed in on each network, all of which will be referred to as "this season's breakout hit," often before they actually air and regardless of how terrible they debut in the ratings. NBC is particularly shameless about this, since any show that manages to finish fourth - out of four networks - is actually considered to be "exceeding expectations." I don't know what failing to meet expectations would look like. You'd probably have to be beat out by a number of different channels, including Oxygen and the Golf Channel.

A few of these breakout hits will win actual viewers and manage to stick it out through the whole season (this year it was just 'Fringe' and 'The Mentalist,' now that I think 'Kath and Kim' has mercifully breathed its last), where they will often remain being called "the year's breakout hit" well into their third season.

The third time promos come out (I'll swing back around to the second time in a second), it's excruciating. It's the tail end of the TV season. Everyone is tuned in to watch the season finale - what crazy cliffhanger will the season end on this year? (P.S. I'm now taking two-to-one odds on 'Desperate Housewives' killing yet another cast member. That show has lost it.) And then it hits you - a glut of promos for The Summer Programming. It's awful. There's always some crazy new reality show that you cannot escape from. It's always hosted by the worst possible fading celebrity to see a lot of in a short time span (this year's prediction: Heidi Montag) and features some gimmick that you can't imagine anyone watching ("come see how many poodles it takes to successfully defeat these Olympic swimmers in mud wrestling!"), and yet it somehow succeeds, so that next summer, you have to watch the promos for the show all over again, only this time there's twice as many of them as they herald that this season will take it to "the next level." ("Who's better at sand castles? Stephen Hawking, or this grizzly bear? Jason Alexander joins Heidi, Spencer, and the Octomom as a guest judge!"). And the worst part about it is that turning off your television does nothing. You go on the internet and "hilarious clips" pop up everywhere. You drive past billboards on the highway with the giant quasi-celebrities grinning down at you. You dare to talk to that co-worker who loves reality TV, and you end up hounded to death about the show all summer. It's inescapable.

The second time TV promos come out, however, is not bad. That's the mid-season, show-replacement promos. Every new TV season features a number of new shows that don't work out - this year we had 'Crusoe,' 'Valentine,' 'My Own Worst Enemy,' 'Kath and Kim,' 'Opportunity Knocks,' 'Life On Mars,' 'In Harm's Way,' 'Homeland Security USA,' 'Hole In The Wall,' 'The Ex List,' 'Easy Money,' 'Do Not Disturb,' 'The Chopping Block,' 'America's Toughest Jobs,' and '4Real.' If you ever question how good TV executives are at their job, consider this: how many of those shows have you actually heard of? Exactly.

Of course, sometimes there are good shows that just never quite get a leg up, right? Television Without Pity has a "Brilliant But Canceled" list of the good ones, but I'll just give you the short version: the only show among those that was any good was 'Life On Mars.' The only shows in that list that seemed at any point to have the smallest amount of potential were 'Life On Mars,' 'Valentine,' and.... that's it. Ough.

Fortunately, we've got a slate of brilliant shows that somehow weren't good enough to premiere at the start of the season, so we're all set, right? But which of the horde of promos for shows that seem to have some sort of vague potential do I watch? It's so difficult to decide...

That's why I'm here, dear reader. That's why I'm here.

Incredibly, in the midst of a television season that has gone terribly awry (older shows dying off, newer shows sputtering and stalling) thanks almost entirely to a writer's strike that has managed to completely decimate two consecutive television seasons, there are a number of bright lights on the horizon. I have watched every single new show to premiere this new season, and I am here to tell you what's worth it and what's not (my word is law, people. Disobey at your peril).

1. 'Cupid' (ABC) - Let's start with what's not good. This show is terrible. And I don't mean terrible as in "off to a rocky start." I mean terrible as in "try not to click by it while you watch TV lest you tear out your eyes in shame." I'm a fan of both the leads - Sarah Paulson was a favorite of mine on the wildly inconsistent "Studio 60," Bobby Cannavale simply exudes charm as the man who thinks he's Cupid - but the show, a Rob Thomas reboot of his own failed earlier version, is a disaster. It's not just bad writing (though, to be fair, it's bad writing), but the whole show feels forced in the worst possible way. It's essentially a CBS procedural, but instead of murder investigators or rugged yet vulnerable doctors, it's a show about making people fall in love; a new couple every week. There are darker tones to be studied here (is Cannavale crazy or isn't he? Is his disease destroying people's lives or not?), and there's fun to be had (Jeremy Piven had Cannavale's role in the original version and tore it up on screen). But none of that shows up, it's a just quirky concept show without an ounce of self-awareness. Pass.

2. 'Castle' (ABC) - I'm a little torn about this one. The show's not bad, overall, it's just a bad show that happens to have a uniquely talented lead (a pitch-perfect Nathan Fillion, looking for all the world like he's having the time of his life) and little else going for it. It's worth watching if it's on, but there's no point in sticking around: the show runners will gradually bring the two leads together, there'll be banter and winking and one-liners everywhere, and the season will end on either a will-they or won't they note, or it'll be one of those cliffhangers where someone kidnaps Fillion's daughter (Molly Quinn, a revelation of a child actor who hopefully will find better work elsewhere) and we get to see Fillion's quote-unquote dark side. Meh.

3. 'In The Motherhood' (ABC) - Oh, ABC. You're trying so hard and failing so dramatically - you've got only three shows that anyone watches ('Dancing With The Stars,' 'Lost,' and 'Desperate Housewives'), and you keep popping out show after terrible show. With 'Motherhood,' the question isn't if it's bad. The only question is, "could it be worse?" Apparently it couldn't: ABC will almost certainly announcing it's cancellation sometime in the next few weeks, and I can stop making sure I have my remote always in hand lest a promo for this show appear while I'm watching something else.

4. 'The Unusuals' (ABC) - This is the sort of effort I appreciate - a television pilot with legitimate potential. Something that a viewer comes in and either hates or loves, something good enough to make a viewer actually feel something when they watch it other than 'man, I could go for a chocolate cream doughnut right now.' The show's been a little up-and-down right off the bat, but you get the sense that it'll even itself out over time if for no other reason than its cast. Adam Goldberg and Harold Perrineau are both likable and provide some comic relief, Goldberg as a cop with an inoperable tumor who's developed a distinct death wish, Perrineau as his partner who's become paranoid now that he's reached the exact age that his father, uncle, and grandfather all died at (they're sort of dark comic relief, I guess). But the real prizes here are a surprisingly gritty Amber Tamblyn (yes, that Amber Tamblyn. Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants Amber Tamblyn) and an enigmatic Jeremy Renner (who is this guy? Where has he been hiding? He's fantastic). As good as the show seems to be, I feel a touch hesitant recommending it - since it doesn't translate well to 10-second promos (there aren't a lot of one-liners and it's low on melodrama), it seems like the show probably won't market well. That already seems to be the case, since its ratings seem to be a touch mediocre to start off its run, which probably means it won't get a second-season pickup. A shame.

Edit: ABC announced today that it'll be bumping 'Cupid' this week in order to show two episodes of 'The Unusuals.' Gotta be a good sign.

5. 'Better Off Ted' (ABC) - Now here's a show I can heartily recommend now that it's finally rounded into form. It's not that its first few episodes weren't any good, it's just that they seemed disjointed, a good deal less than the sum of their parts. I stuck with it because it's bleeding potential all over, a cross between '30 Rock' and 'Arrested Development,' and I'm not the only one to describe it as such (the presence of 'Arrested' alum Portia de Rossi probably has a lot to do with that). The show has a smaller cast for its frenetic style (Both '30 Rock' and 'Arrested' featured twice as many regulars at the start of their runs), and it took a few episodes for the group to get some momentum going. In the meantime, the show glided along quietly, prompting the occasional chuckle and - importantly - avoiding that groaning feeling when a joke falls dead. It was in last week's racial-equality episode, where the corporation developed a new automatic light-switch sensor that couldn't see it's black employees, that the show finally found its stride. Look for it to start competing with '30 Rock' next season as "the one comedy you really should be watching."

6. 'Howie Do It' (NBC) - The name along gives me hives. Let's just move on.

7. 'Parks and Recreation' (NBC) - I want so much to like it. A pack of actors I really like (Amy Poehler, Rashida Jones, Paul Schneider, the suddenly ubiquitous Aziz Ansari), plus the people who made 'The Office' are behind it... but it just doesn't seem to fulfill its vast potential. Still, I think it's one of those shows that could get better as it continues its stretch - Schneider in particular seems to be finding a rhythm early on - so keep half an eye on it. But don't bother to move your schedule around to catch it. It's not worth it - yet.

8. 'Kings' (NBC) - It's already been canceled. Sorry, fellas. Thanks for playing. It woulda been great to have Ian McShane on network TV every week, though, right? Too bad.

9. 'Southland' (NBC) - It's not coincidental that right as 'ER' ends it run after taking a two-year victory lap (seriously, guys, that was embarrassing), we see promos for a cop show "from the people who brought you 'ER'" that just happens to fall exactly in 'ER's' old lineup spot. Smart marketing for a show that strikes such a similar tone. There's a little of bit of 'ER' here, a little bit of 'The Wire,' and more than a little bit of 'Crash,' too (morally layered cops butt heads as interlocking cross-racial stories collide across sprawling Los Angeles). Regina King has the Don Cheadle role, 'The OC's' Ben McKenzie takes on Ryan Philippe, and Tom Everett Scott waits around for someone to either write him something good or kill him off (I'm banking on the latter, myself). The show's a little uneven out of the gate, but King and especially McKenzie make the show worth watching. Seriously, Ben McKenzie is outstanding here as a quiet newbie cop unsure of his footing. Take a good look, haters - it turns out the man has some serious chops.

10. 'Dollhouse' (FOX) - I don't know exactly what to say here. We're ten episodes into the season and it looks like Fox will be shutting down the show just as it starts getting good. Up until a few weeks ago, the show hadn't seemed worth watching, but I'll be damned if Joss Whedon didn't finally up his game these last couple weeks (they didn't let him write what he wanted the first coupla weeks, and the show felt stale and lifeless as a result). It's all moot though: Fox has already announced that the season (and, assumably, series) finale featuring beloved Whedon-alum Felicia Day ('Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog,' which recently was the first internet show ever to be honored by the Paley Foundation) won't be airing on the network. That's the kiss of death, folks. Move on.

11. Sit Down, Shut Up (FOX) - Even if you loved 'Arrested Development,' it's still not worth it. That's right a show by all the same people who created my number-two all-time favorite show (behind 'The West Wing') is not worth watching. That's how bad it is.

12. The Osbournes Reloaded (FOX) - (insert suicide-by-shotgun joke here)

13. 'Lie To Me' (FOX) - It's almost certain to be picked up for a second season, so if all you're looking for is consistency, this is a good option. Of course, that's only if you're looking for a show that's so consistently awful it provides the best drinking game on television. Here's my sure-fire knock-you-down-for-the-count 'Lie To Me' drinking game:

1. Drink whenever it cuts away to closeup a subject doing something - fidgeting a hand, arching an eyebrow, flaring their nostrils, etc - and then it cuts back to Tim Roth furrowing his brow. Take two drinks if he turns to the person next to him and says 'we better keep him in custody,' or 'let's search the house.' Take three drinks if he exclaims 'he's lying!'
2. Drink whenever they are showing pictures of the subject frowning or furrowing his brow, and "the computer" puts up images of celebrities doing the same thing, to show how accurate the show is.

For Extreme Alcoholics Only:

3. Drink every time Tim Roth furrows his brow at another actor during a scene and jumps on top of his line, as if to say "Watch yourself. I was in Reservoir Dogs, dammit."

14. 'Harper's Island' (CBS) - I'm a complete pansy and haven't watched a single episode. Even the promos scare me. You'll have to make up your own mind. This may help you: nobody else tuned in after that first episode. It probably won't make it to the end of its run.

Hope that helps. Here's a quick report card:

1. 'Cupid' - C-
2. 'Castle' - B-
3. 'In The Motherhood' - D-
4. 'The Unusuals' - B+
5. Better Off Ted - B+
6. 'Howie Do It' - F
7. 'Parks and Recreation' - B-
8. 'Kings' - C
9. 'Southland' - B+
10. 'Dollhouse' - B-
11. 'Sit Down, Shut Up' - C-
12. 'The Osbournes Reloaded' - D-
13. 'Lie To Me' - D+ (Unintentional Comedic Value Grade - B+)
14. 'Harper's Island' - Absent

If they're lucky, maybe five of those shows will get a pickup for next year. I'm predicting that at most, Lie To Me, Castle, Southland, Parks and Recreation, Better of Ted, and The Unusuals (in that order) all make it through, and everything else dies. Let's see what survives.

Rock-A-Doodle

2009-04-10T01:29:00.002-04:00

That Guy With Glasses (the guy who invented 5 Second Movies) is also doing Nostalgia Reviews of movies he watched when he was a kid, so you don't have to re-watch them. His most recent one was Rock-A-Doodle, a movie with plot holes so gigantic that, 18 years later, I'm still bothered by them (I was seven!) My dad took me to this for some reason. I had evidently done something horrible.

20 Shots That Must Be Retired From Cinema

2009-04-09T16:01:00.002-04:00

Thought this was brilliant. I might make my own list later.

The Greatest Nike Commercial Of All Time.

2009-04-09T15:12:00.006-04:00

Someone asked me the other day what the greatest Nike commercial of all time was. I hadn't realized it was up for debate. It is, of course, this one by German director Ralf Schmerberg, called "Bottled Courage":

Other competitors would be Spike Jonze's "Y2K Jogger":

Or Tiger Wood's "Never" commercial, in which the late Earl Woods (he died of cancer a few years ago) talks about raising Tiger to be the best. It's by, I think, Hal Curtis. This one is a big of a crier:

This one is by far the coolest of the commercials - a three-minute, stone-brilliant soccer commercial/short film from Guy Ritchie called "Take It To The Next Level":

Am I missing any that should be in competition here?

Virtual Barbershop

2009-03-30T18:44:00.004-04:00

I got a hankering to listen to the Virtual Barbershop again. It's an amazing piece of audio work - it so perfectly imitates a natural sound environment that you can't help but respond: I turned my head when the door opened, and flinched when he brought the clippers close to my ear. I'm not the sort of person who purchases much audio equipment, but I tell you - I'd buy whatever it is that they're selling.

Find a good pair of headphones and have a listen if you haven't before. If you listen to it and find nothing special about it, that means it's time to buy a new set of headphones.

Make Your Own Dunkin Donut.

2009-03-30T13:23:00.003-04:00

D2 is having a contest to get people to make their new donut. Click here to go make your own donut or to vote for other donuts - remember, whatever wins, that's one more type of donut you get to order (for a limited time, natch). Also, the winner also receives $12,000. Twelve finalists receive $1,200 and a year's worth of free donuts. There's actually a huge number of different options in terms of fillings, toppings, etc., so it's a lot of fun. The donut on the left is my creation, the Peanut Butter Karma.

Where The Wild Things Are

2009-03-26T11:35:00.004-04:00

The trailer for Where The Wild Things Are, the live-action adaption of the beloved children's book, is out today. Despite its heady resume: visual master Spike Jonze (Being John Malkovich, Adaption, every music video ever) directing and indie god Dave Eggers ("A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius") writing, I have been predicting for about a year now that this movie is going to be unbelievably terrible and will lose huge amounts of money.

Then I watched the trailer today, and I don't know if it's the visual style, or the indie aesthetic, or the raspy growl of James Gandolfini, or the wise decision to use an Arcade Fire song on the trailer, or the fact that the kid who plays Max seems to really be that actual kid from the story (the actor's name is - get this - Max Records. How cool is that?), but I am one million percent on board. It's still going to make no money, but the trailer alone is all sorts of heartbreaking. Click the link and see for yourself.

Can you believe this is a real commercial?

2009-03-26T01:54:00.003-04:00

It's official: Lindsay Lohan will never have a comeback. She will only keep imploding, until there is no Lindsay left, just a faint wisp of tanning spray.

Quasi-Awesomeness

2009-03-25T14:48:00.003-04:00

Proving again that I am awesome in things that really do not require awesomeness, my NCAA bracket has 15 out of the 16 teams correct (this is not necessarily that impressive, since a bracket where I would have only picked the higher seed would've given me 14 out of 16), and ESPN selected me to play in their top fantasy league, The Man's League.

You don't step to me in dork factor, readers.

T9Word Update

2009-03-24T21:33:00.002-04:00

I tried to type "whoa!" into a text message, but T9 didn't recognize it, only giving me "zinc!" and "winc!" The latter of which I can find no definition of in any dictionary I checked.

I like how he just "happened to have a costume in his locker"

2009-03-24T16:20:00.004-04:00

Peracchio linked me to this, and I loved it: "Fireman Dresses Up Like Spider-Man To Save Autistic Boy From Ledge." My favorite part was the last sentence 'Mr Yoosabai normally uses the costume to liven up fire drills in schools.' Best. Fireman. Ever.

100 Movies You Should See Before You Die

2009-03-24T16:03:00.003-04:00

Yahoo! has created a list of "100 Movies To See Before You Die," which is making the rounds across the net. Cinephiles will probably have seen about 80, I would guess. I guessed - without looking at the list - that I would probably have seen about 40. Final tally: 45.

There's at least 20 movies that are on the list of "I need to watch this. Soon." In fact, at least a dozen are saved on my DVR, waiting impatiently for me to become classy enough to watch them (I'm looking at you, Sunset Boulevard). It's tough to find a couple hours out of the day to sit down and watch one.

Well, it's not that hard, but I just don't have the patience to do so.

Sexy People

2009-03-24T15:50:00.001-04:00

Please check out Sexy People, a blog where people send in their terribly ill-advised Olan Mills pictures from the 70's and 80's. It's impossible not to giggle.

It's a nice compliment

2009-03-24T00:23:00.004-04:00

I looked in the mirror this morning and realized that a recent spike in weight had suddenly given me a strong resemblance to Glenn Beck, who is not looking particularly well these days himself (as Colbert noted "the chins-to-Beck ratio is awfully high"). This is about as terrifying a thought as one can have in the morning, and so in my depression I gave up on shaving or combing my hair for the day and ventured out into the world in full "don't mess with me, compadre" mode.

I was searching for a book at the library a few hours later when another browsing gentleman caught my eye and walked up.

"Hey," he said, "do you know what famous person you look exactly like?"

Please don't say Glenn Beck. Please oh please ohpleaseohplease...

It turned out I reminded him of Neal McDonough, who is, in celebrity terms, the single best possible celebrity comparison for me, or rather, for my ego (by the way, I once met McDonough, who, though very polite, is absolutely terrifying in person).

The guy in the library turned out to be a bit of nut - he was taking out "Charmed" companion guide, which is the literary equivalent of giving up on your life - but we had a lovely conversation about the merits of the new "Street Fighter" movie, which I have not seen but know more than enough about movies to fake it ("the action sequences were great, but Chris Klein is just a terrible actor, right?" "Totally!"). After about 15 minutes of truly breathtakingly geeky conversation - it is not often that strangers expect you to know intricate details of the behind-the-scenes habits of the actors on "Smallville" - my new friend wandered off and I went off with a bounce in my step. It's not every day you remind someone of a clear-eyed six-foot bodybuilder. At least, not if you're me.

New American Idol Rule

2009-03-23T01:09:00.003-04:00

I know that reality television should not be the first place I go for honesty, but I've been frustrated by the to-do over the new American Idol rule. The judges this year have been granted a "save" - that is, if they feel a contestant is good enough to win the whole contest but they got voted off, the judges can save them and give them another chance.

The example they keep giving - on the show, on talk shows, in interviews - is Chris Daughtry, who was surprisingly eliminated in the final rounds of the show despite being favored to win. The expression on his face when he finds out he's been voted off is priceless ego-check television - he really couldn't believe that he was cut. He went on to become one of Idol's most famous success stories, and the judges keep using this as the example of how they plan to use their save this year. "If we'd had the save back then," one of them mentioned in an interview the other day, "we definitely would have saved Daughtry." This is supposed to be important because whoever wins Idol is supposed to become the big star, and the producers feel that having a runner-up exceed the success of the winner devalues the competition (and, I suppose, it does). But Idol is always going to be beneficial primarily to easygoing, likable singers like eventual winner Taylor Hicks, who America consistently voted for but lacked any sort of commercial marketability. The same is true of this year's likely winner, Danny Gokey - he's talented, warm, and has a heartwrenching backstory, but nobody's gonna buy his CD. And Daughtry, though not quite likable enough to hold through to win the competition, is much more clearly the sort of artist who's capable of making records that people would actually buy. Though if the judges had had this save rule back then, maybe he would have won the competition, too.

Of course, it's not true - the new rule wouldn't have saved him at all. Daughtry, famously, finished fourth during the fifth season of Idol. The new rule only allows the judges to save people up until there are six people remaining.

T9Word

2009-03-21T22:14:00.005-04:00

I once read a piece by Bill Bryson complaining about spell check (it was from a while ago, I admit) and how it kept not recognizing the perfectly legitimate words he would type in. I'm sure that things were different when he wrote the piece, but by the time I read it, it just seemed comical - who can get irate at spell check? Certainly it sometimes doesn't recognize proper nouns, or gives you truly comical suggestions for replacements, and I'm sure it was worse in its early stages, but what of it? It's just not a big enough deal to get upset about - certainly too much to write an article about. If you don't like the suggestions, just ignore them.

Yet I find myself in a similar situation these days because of my cell phone. Unlike those of you with iPhones and Blackberries and what have you, I still am using a LG Chocolate, and that means I'm stuck with a program called T9Word. I'll explain - since Chocolates don't have a keyboard, I have to type on the keypad. There are two option for typing: one is typing each word letter by letter by scrolling through the options on each number. For example, to type "can," I go to the "2," which has "ABC" written under it, and would hit the "2" three times until it got to the "c," pause until it moved to the next letter, then hit the "2" again to get "a," then hit the "6" twice to get "n." However, if I use T9Word function, I can just hit the "2" twice and then "6" once, and my phone will guess that I actually need the word "can," since that's the most likely option for those numbers. If I actually need "ban," or "cam," I just hit the "next" button until it comes up.

Now, this is a handy program, and it sometimes makes texting faster than it would be on a full Qwerty keyboard, but - sometimes it does not. Occasionally you come to a word that it simply cannot recognize, and in order to fix it, you have to delete everything you've typed, go to the menu, switch from "T9Word" to "Abc," re-type the word, re-enter the menu, switch back to T9Word, and keep going. It's a little frustrating, especially if you're in a hurry.

What's worse is when you have a word you know it should recognize and yet it does not. For example, today I was trying to type Maundy Thursday, and instead of "Maundy," all it would give me was "oatmex," a word that gives me zero results on Google. It won't recognize my friend Shawn's name, instead giving me "Shawo," which seems to be a unpopular Chinese name. And instead of "Chipotle," it always gives me "Aggrotle," a word that only comes us on the internet in posts where people say "hey, I tried to type 'Chipotle' onto my phone and it came up 'aggrotle!'"

While you can eventually train your phone to recognize certain word, it always gives its options first, so no matter how many times I type "Shawn," it's still gonna try to get me to take "Shawo."

Of course, sometimes it can be funny. I texted a friend the other day to say "Hey, we're going to lunch. Want to come?" But instead of "Want to come?" it came out "Want to bond?" and I sent it without noticing. Never heard back.

Additionally, the program seems to want you to be a better person. Typing any profanity into the program gives no results, and it refuses to recognize certain insults if it considers it too hurtful, instead choosing to make up words as less painful options. "Slut," for example, only turns up "plut," "asshole" is "assimle," and "motherf***ing" is "motheretailing," which sounds like it should be something even though it's not.

Anytime I get a good T9 result, I'll try to remember to post it. They're always fun.

New Posts

2009-03-19T00:53:00.004-04:00

I haven't been posting, you'll note. You might have worried about my well-being, or you just chalked it up to laziness, but the situation was dire and entirely out of my control: I lost the internet (those of you who guessed lazy were also not wrong).

You see, I am an internet thief. Worse than that, an unabashed internet thief. My next door neighbor has an unprotected router and I have no scruples about exploiting it. In fact, one of the emphases for buying a laptop was the promise of a built-in wireless card and free, untethered internet. And it's been heaven ever since.

Of course, that's when this story takes an ugly turn. A few weeks ago, I was surfing the net late on a Friday night (oh, like your weekend's so busy?) when my internet disappeared. Were they on to me? Had my clueless neighbor gotten wise? My Airport had no answers as it pinwheeled sadly.

Maybe they just went on vacation, I thought, and turned off everything in their apartment on their way out. Maybe it'll be just for a long weekend, or a week. But the next Monday came and went without anything happening. All week I waited, trying to remember what people did with laptops before they could surf the web while watching TV ("I think I'll organize my iTunes!"). The next Monday rolled around. Nothing.

I finally admitted that I'd lost the internet for good and called Comcast to get cable, scheduling an appointment for the following Monday. But late Sunday night, while I poked away at a video project I was supposed to have gotten done a month before ("Well, I guess there's nothing else to do!"), my Airport sprung back to life. My neighbors had returned from vacation and plugged in their wireless! I called Comcast at one in the morning and canceled my appointment, cheerfully chatting away at the technician on the other end who clearly found my vitality awfully trying ("I got into this job to be unpleasant to people in the wee hours of the morning, and I'll be damned if you're going to slow me down."). And I've been exuberantly pirating internet again ever since.

The moral of the story: If you wait around long enough, sometimes someone solves your problems for you.

The other moral of the story: there'll be more posts coming soon.

Worst Academy Award Winner To Headline A Show

2009-03-10T16:01:00.004-04:00

TNT has been pumping out promos like crazy for its various moderately watchable original programming, and every single one of them has been hammering the "starring Academy Award winner..." line to death. Watch 'Saving Grace,' with Academy Award Winner Holly Hunter! Watch 'Leverage,' with Academy Award winner Timothy Hutton! Even multiple seasons into a show, the tagline remains the same.

Of course, none of their ads mention exactly when and what these people won Academy Awards for. For example, Hunter won hers in 1993 for The Piano, a performance where she (mercifully) played a mute. And Hutton won an Academy Award for Ordinary People, a movie that came out in 1980, only a few months after The Empire Strikes Back. Hutton - who, it must be said, does an excellent job on 'Leverage' - is nearing 50 and was only 18 at the time that film was shot.

It got me thinking... who would the absolutely worst choice among all Academy Award winners to headline a new TNT show? And what kind of show would that be?

Note: No Heath Ledger jokes.

No Posts

2009-03-10T15:59:00.003-04:00

I know I haven't been posting - I'd been getting the internet at home from an unprotected wireless router in a nearby apartment, and I think the owner finally got wise. It disappeared a couple weeks ago and hasn't been back.

I finally ordered internet of my own today, so I'll be back to sending out random interesting crumbs of pop culture any day now.

Good News

2009-03-10T15:30:00.002-04:00

For those of you, like me, who have been following this, Jason Segel has finished his Muppets script!

I find it adorable that Segel doesn't know any celebrities and had to fill all the cameo spots in the script with "Celebrity 1," "Celebrity 2."

Only a few of you will get this...

2009-03-10T15:10:00.003-04:00

But with all the various cases that Apple is selling for the iPhone (and you aren't allowed to have an iPhone without the case), it's remarkable to me that no one has created one that says "Don't Panic" in large, friendly yellow letters on it.

And yes, I got the idea from this comic.

It took me a minute to figure out what they actually meant.

2009-02-26T20:51:00.002-05:00

My new favorite from the Fail Blog:

Go, now, and download.

2009-02-23T21:50:00.003-05:00

If you haven't already seen it, Phil Wickham has done a full-length live worship CD featuring him, a single acoustic guitar, and 3,000 fans. It's quite moving, and here's the best part - it's available, absolutely free, on his website. Share it, copy it to a friend, burn it as many times as you want, whatever. As a longtime Wickham fan this was great news, but even if you're new to his music it's worth downloading to hear how amazing his track "Beautiful" sounds live.

The album's called "Singalong," and it's available here.

You've seen the story before, but it's all just done swimmingly well.

2009-02-23T14:35:00.006-05:00

I think if I'd actually seen all of "la maison en petit cubes" before I voted for Best Animated Short, I might have switched my vote. It's quite heartbreaking.

By the way, was Kunio Kato's acceptance speech not one of the greatest you've ever heard? "Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto." Other than Dustin Lance Black's, it was my favorite of the night.

NY Post Cartoon

2009-02-23T12:55:00.011-05:00

I have to know...

Am I the only one who saw the cartoon and immediately thought that the chimp was supposed to represent Congressional ineptitude?

And then was really surprised that it became a huge, massive deal?

In fact, come to think about it, the three things our country has become outraged by in the past month have been:

1. This cartoon
2. A-Rod
3. Octomom

How are these the things that absolutely blow us up? I mean, during this stretch, a food company seems to have knowingly allowed salmonella into our food supply and nobody noticed.

Oscar Results

2009-02-23T01:14:00.008-05:00

I did it. I got over 75%. I'm an expert.

I got 19 out of 24 (79%), and if I'd only stuck with Sean Penn for Best Actor - who I was really rooting for anyway - the only ones I would've missed would've been four completely unimportant categories which I'm totally fine with having missed. So let's review exactly what happened on what turned out to be a really good Oscars in all respects.

Best Motion Picture of the Year

Winner: Slumdog Millionaire

Best Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role

Winner: Sean Penn for Milk

I Picked: Mickey Rourke for The Wrestler

Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role

Winner: Kate Winslet for The Reader

Best Achievement in Directing

Winner: Danny Boyle for Slumdog Millionaire

Best Foreign Language Film of the Year

Winner: Okuribito (Japan)
I Picked: Entre les murs (France)

Best Achievement in Music, Original Song

Winner: Slumdog Millionaire - A.R. Rahman, Sampooran Singh Gulzar ("Jai Ho")

Best Achievement in Music, Original Score

Winner: Slumdog Millionaire - A.R. Rahman

Best Achievement in Editing

Winner: Slumdog Millionaire

Best Achievement in Sound

Winner: Slumdog Millionaire

Best Achievement in Sound Editing

Winner: The Dark Knight
I Picked: Wall-E

Best Achievement in Visual Effects

Winner: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Best Documentary, Short Subjects

Winner: Smile Pinki

I Picked: The Conscience Of Nhem En

Best Documentary, Feature

Winner: Man on Wire

Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role

Winner: Heath Ledger for The Dark Knight

Best Short Film, Live Action

Winner: Spielzeugland (Toyland)

Best Achievement in Cinematography

Winner: Slumdog Millionaire - Anthony Dod Mantle

Best Achievement in Makeup

Winner: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Best Achievement in Costume Design

Winner: The Duchess - Michael O'Connor

Best Achievement in Art Direction

Winner: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Best Short Film, Animated

Winner: la maison en petits cubes
I Picked: Presto

Best Animated Feature Film of the Year

Winner: WALL·E - Andrew Stanton

Best Writing, Adapted Screenplay

Winner: Slumdog Millionaire - Simon Beaufoy

Best Writing, Original Screenplay

Winner: Milk - Dustin Lance Black

Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role

Winner: Penélope Cruz for Vicky Cristina Barcelona

While I'm thrilled about my results, I changed a few results from my original picks, and all those changes ended up being wrong. But I entered the orginal list into the Oscar.com game, which should put me near the top of their pool (22 out of 24 ain't bad - except that the game glitches so badly that every time you leave the site, it deletes all of your picks. I tried to go on right before the ceremony started, but the game had crashed, so I couldn't get to it to re-enter the picks. It's a shame, because somewhere floating in a sea of data on the Oscar.com site is a near-perfect Oscar list.

Hope everyone did well this year!

Oscar Predictions '09: Mediocrity Isn't Just a Pipe Dream Anymore!

2009-02-19T18:55:00.013-05:00

Before we begin my predictions, let's sum up the important details thus far:

1. In 2006, I successfully predicted 9 of 11 categories but didn't try any of the more difficult categories. Also, I seem to recall cheating (as in "oh, yeah, I totally called Memoirs Of A Geisha winning Cinematography, I just didn't write it down in time").

2. In 2007, I got 15 out of 24 categories (63%) and won my Oscar pool, which I think had about five people in it.

3. In 2008, after talking a big game, I got 13 out of 24 (54%), and went into a period of deep mourning.
4. In 2009, I called 16 out of 25 Golden Globes (64%), which starts to show a definite pattern of not-awesomeness.

5. I really, really hate losing - and unfortunately, in recent years, have been required to acquire a taste for it.

So the bad news is that I've shown a distinct pattern for having a decent idea of what's going to happen at the Oscars but not enough of one to really be considered an expert. That's all going to change this year.

This year, it's 75% or better - or bust. I'm not sure what, exactly, "or bust" means, but I'm willing to take suggestions over what my punishment should be should I fail to meet my quota.

The important thing to remember about the Oscars is that they are not actually an award show to determine which film or actor is superior, but which selection makes Hollywood feel the best about itself. The reason it selects films that are considered more "important" is not necessarily that it feels those films are better but because it feels that they should honor the films that "make a difference." That's why Wall-E and The Dark Knight are pushed aside to make way for films like The Reader and Revolutionary Road, even though voters know - and will acknowledge - that the former two are better films. But honoring a film like Slumdog Millionaire makes voters feel that Hollywood is connected to the plight of the world at large, and that belief is much more important to them than whether The Dark Knight did a better job of sound mixing. So watch closely during this year's Oscars - the direction taken early in the night will domino along throughout the show.

In fact, let's start with the sound categories:

Sound Editing and Sound Mixing: The reason we're starting with these two very unimportant categories is because of the Bafta results from a couple weeks back, which awarded Slumdog "Best Sound." While Slumdog is a certainly very well-mixed movie, it doesn't deserve to win "Best Sound," especially when movies with intensively designed soundscapes (Wall-E, The Dark Knight) are involved. The rule of thumb for awards given for technical prizes and performances is that "best" usually means "most." What movie had the most sound effects? What movie had the most make-up? Who had to do the most acting? When an award is specifically given outside of that, that usually means that there's a strong feeling within a community that a film is deserving to be rewarded as much as possible in as many ways as possible. And I think that's the case this year, Expect Slumdog Millionaire to capture at least 7 out of 9 possible awards (I'm predicting 8).

But not 9, and here's where I'm breaking away from the pack - while Bafta gives out one sound award, the Oscars gives out two - Editing and Mixing. Editing basically refers creating sounds and sound effects, and mixing involves combining those sounds together into the movie. While Slumdog should (well, not should, but probably will) win Best Mixing, there's essentially no sound creation going on, whereas most of Wall-E's whole appeal is hinged on the brilliant sound creation of Star Wars alum Ben Burtt. And I say that the voters see the distinction as well.

Alright, let's cover the acting categories, since that's where the only real debate left this year is.

Actor: This category is completely even-steven. The line between Sean Penn (Milk) and Mickey Rourke (The Wrestler) is so razor-thin that they've actually shared the award at some shows. The debate goes something like this:
A. They're both unbelievably good in these movies, two heavyweights who absolutely tore up their roles.
B. As good as the rest of the competion is (especially Frank Langella's punchy Richard Nixon), everyone knows that the battle is between these two.
C. Sean Penn immersed himself in a role that was unlike anything he'd ever done before, gave the whole movie an effervescent charm, and got you to root for him despite the fact that he's Sean Penn. Impressive.
D. Mickey Rourke reappeared from the dead, bulked up for a year, dominated a movie that hinged entirely on his performance, and made you believe in him as a down-on-his-luck professional wrestler, which almost no other actor could do.
E. The two of them have been exceedingly gracious, doing interviews together, helping promote each other, and so on. There's no real competition here between them, so there's no hard factions arguing with each other.

So no one knows what will happen - none of the precursors give us any clear picture, and neither seem to be fading or suffering from backlash. It's a pick'em. And I'm picking Penn, who gave my favorite performance of the year, in my favorite movie.

No wait, I'll go the other way, Rourke's got the momentum...

Hmm...

No, I'm sticking with Penn, I'll be mad if he wins and I didn't pick him...

No, wait, I'm going for Rourke. He's got the momentum, and I'm riding that.

Actress: Here's a good example of how it's not performance, it's politics. The best performance of the year was Anne Hathaway's. But it's not a strong enough performance to unseat someone who the Academy wants to vote for because they feel that the actress is due - which is the case with both Kate Winslet (five nominations, no wins) and Meryl Streep (hasn't won since 1982, been nominated 10 times since). I think Winslet has the stronger case in that regard - the Academy is famous for having ignored her, she's in a Holocaust movie, she gets naked in the role, she wears aging makeup in the role, she's had a strong couple of years of great performances - and so I think she gets the win. That being said, it's hard to tell what's going to happen because previous award shows have nominated this role as a supporting role instead of a lead role, and so Streep and Hathaway have been winning these awards instead of her.

Supporting Actress: And since Winslet's been nominated so often in this category - and won so many times - it's impossible to know what'll happen here. It's nice to see a race that's actually a 5-way battle for once. I don't think I've ever seen that happen in any category.

The smart money has to be on Penelope Cruz. Her movie came out months earlier than the other contestants, she built buzz around her role for months until everyone knew she was guaranteed a spot in this group even before the nominations came out. And Vicki Christina Barcelona relied heavier on her performance than any of the other movies relied on their nominees, which matters. Of course, if The Wrestler begins to get any sort of momentum, than it could take both Actor and Supporting Actress categories out of sympathy for being ignored in Best Picture. Take note during the night - if Marisa Tomei wins this category, than Rourke is probably winning at the end of the show.

Supporting Actor: Gambling odds on this category have Heath Ledger at -2000. That means that if you want to win $100, you'd have to put $2000 down. That's a strong favorite. I think if Ledger was going to lose this category, we would have seen something in the award shows leading up to it, but that wasn't the case, and the Academy isn't going to want to stand out on this one. Our only hope for this category is that when Ledger wins, they send Christian Bale up there to accept the award.

Alright, let's play Quick Picks.

Animated Feature: Wall-E
Art Direction: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Cinematography: Slumdog Millionaire (though it should be Wally Pfister's incredible nighttime photography in The Dark Knight)
Costume Design: The Duchess
Documentary Feature: Man On Wire
Documentary Short: "The Conscience of Nhem En"
Editing: Slumdog Millionaire
Makeup: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Original Score: Slumdog Millionaire
Short Film, Live Action: "Spielzeugland" ("Toyland") - hey, Holocaust alert.
Visual Effects: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Screenplay, Adapted: Slumdog Millionaire
Screenplay, Original: Milk

And know we'll do things that should be Quick Picks but I can't bring myself to not talk about.

Foreign Language Film: It's The Class vs. Waltz With Bashir, and man, this one is tough. Subtle acting drama with children against an inventive documentary in rotoscoped animation, not to mention that you don't just vote for the film, you vote for the country (France vs. Israel, in this case). I'm gonna say France's The Class will win just because they had such a strong year (Let The Right One In, I've Loved You So Long).

Short Film, Animated: There is an anti-Pixar movement in animation circles (they were recently shut out at the Annie Awards), which leads one to believe that the voters might go the other way - perhaps to the lovingly hand drawn "La Maison en Petits Cubes" ("House of Small Cubes"), about a man in a precarious, nearly submerged house who finds old memories under the water. Still, Pixar-haters or no, I can't see enough people rallying to vote against Pixar's smartly funny old-school slapstick piece, "Presto" (which, oddly, is available for free in HD on Youtube). Pixar might be overrated, but how can you vote against a little bunny who plays tricks on his magician? Have you no soul, voters?

Original Song: I'm not writing extra here because I feel that there's much competion - "Jai Ho," from Slumdog, is going to win - but because I found out how Springsteen's "The Wrestler" didn't get nominated. It turns out during the nomination process, rather than nominating songs and tallying the nominations given, instead the voters rate the songs on a scale from one to ten. That's right - you can assess negative votes to your competion. That's a shady piece of voting structure if I ever saw one - it lets people target the frontrunners and take them out. Worried that Springsteen will beat you out for a nomination? Give your piece a ten and his a one - that should even out all the sixes and sevens you've been getting! I'd've organized a write-in campaign if that was even a slight possibility.

The big ones are of course already decided.

Director: David Fincher's a lightly-publicized but legitimate dark horse (and my favorite) for his work on Benjamin Button, but only if things take a strange, anti-Slumdog turn. This award is almost definitely going to Danny Boyle.

Picture: And, of course, the crown jewel in Slumdog's well-garnished crown. If you're watching the awards this Sunday and want to go to bed after the acting trophies are handed out, I'm sure you can safely do so - Boyle will already have gone to the stage half a dozen times before this award gets handed out, so you won't need to feel guilty for missing it.

Don't feel that I'm knocking Slumdog for winning all these awards because I think it's a bad film - it's not, I think it's fantastic, it's my second favorite film this year behind Milk. But the hype has built to such a level that it seems there's no way for it to be beat, and I don't think it's that good. Also, it's started to win awards it doesn't deserve against more deserving films - in addition to sound awards, it's won acting awards and things like "Best Ensemble" that more accurately would go to Milk or Doubt. And the way it's going to snag things like Best Song over Springsteen nags at me - after 80 Academy Awards, things like that should happen.

One way or another though, I'll be watching this Sunday. I'm nervous for all the usual categories - documentary short, animated short, foreign film, costume design, etc - but I feel I've got at least half a dozen categories locked up. And I feel very, very good about 75% this year.

Though it probably wouldn't be a bad idea to come up with punishments that I could get if I miss my goal. Again.

Why no, I don't want any part of that, thank you.

2009-02-18T12:23:00.005-05:00

There's a Facebook ad that keeps appearing next to my profile with a picture taken at a poorly-lit bar of a truly douche-tastic gentleman, flanked by two girls in very small tube tops. The ad reads: "I am lazy and a jerk and I make millions over the internet. Click here and I will teach you how."

Does anyone besides me feel that those two sentences do not naturally go together? And how likely would anyone be to look at this picture and say "I think I can trust this guy?"

Barack Paper Scissors

2009-02-18T11:51:00.001-05:00

If you haven't played yet, it's weirdly fun.

I've liked pretty much everything that YouTube has added the past year - the ability to put word bubbles on heads, to make decisions based on videos, plus higher quality (and eventually HD) videos. It's been fun to see them stop resting on their laurels and starting to be the leader in web content creativity.

It's pretty much a lock, right?

2009-02-18T10:42:00.003-05:00

Slate has an interesting article on whether Sheldon from "The Big Bang Theory" suffers from Asperger's Syndrome or not. And I'm not an expert, but it's pretty much a lock, right?

This fits right into my "Anakin Skywalker had Asperger's" theory, which I still maintain explains loads about the later Star Wars trilogy.

This is harder than you think.

2009-02-18T10:41:00.003-05:00

This is why you're fat.

2009-02-18T01:06:00.002-05:00

If you've ever thought "y'know, I've really got to start eating better, but that junky, unhealthy food is always so tempting," then this website is for you.

In related news, I think I'm gonna try to drop a coupla pounds again.

It's not bushy, no.

2009-02-14T10:39:00.002-05:00

Today someone referred to my hair as a "fro."

In my entire life, that has never happened to me before.

Before They Were Famous

2009-02-11T23:03:00.002-05:00

Hey! Here's a collection of famous actors in TV spots before they were famous!

It's worth clicking on for ten reasons.

10. John Travolta in short-shorts.
9. John Travolta singing about the chemical properties of soap.
8. Leonardo DiCaprio, multiple Academy Award nominee, shilling Bubble Yum.
7. Ben Affleck's cell phone.
6. Ben Affleck's hair.
5. Seth Green's hair.
4. Oh my God, Seth Green's hair.
3. Keanu Reeves really enjoying some Corn Flakes
2. Bruce Willis singing about wine coolers and almost but not quite french-kissing a dog.
1. That amazing commercial for "The McDLT" ('It keeps the hot side hot and the cool side cool!') with Jason Alexander is there.

Trust me, you don't need any reasons beside that last one. Who thought that product would ever be a good idea?

These Boots Were Made For Walken

2009-02-11T13:44:00.003-05:00

In 1988, Christopher Walken (never one to turn down a check) appeared in what seems to be perhaps the worst movie ever made. It's a film adaption of "Puss In Boots," and for the record, the syncing issues - and the superimposed cat graphic - were in the original movie.

Jesus Has The Power Of Greyskull

2009-02-10T21:57:00.004-05:00

Were you ever forced to watch really terrible cartoons in Sunday School? Y'know, the ones where they didn't even try to sync the mouths with the words, so a sentence will finish and the mouth will just keep going - O - O - O - O?

Well, just be glad you weren't a Jehovah's Witness.

Make sure to click over to the synopsis on Worst Cartoons Ever when you're done.

Live TV Directing

2009-02-10T15:50:00.006-05:00

Over the years I've put up examples of video projects I've put together, whether they were things I was proud of or things I found particularly interesting, and occasionally things I hated that I couldn't believe I'd had to make. And making projects like those are the vast majority of what my job entails, so those are the things I put all my effort into.

But that's really only part of my job. On Sunday mornings, it's my responsibility to direct the cameramen and cut together the live feed that goes to the screen - it's called directing to IMAG, which stands for image magnification.

Now, most of this is pretty staid and it's rare that I direct something that I'm proud enough of to hang on to, but this Christmas I had a pretty good opportunity to direct with a little more flair - our annual Christmas show. Every year we drag our crane out of storage and haul some cameras over from our other sanctuary, and now that our other director has been tapped to work full-time in our other service, this year the directing duties landed on me. I'd never gotten the opportunity to direct more than four cameras before, so it was exciting to go to do prep work on the show - going to rehearsals, listening to the CD, prepping the videos to roll during the show, marking up the sheet music with notes. I actually had a music teacher come in to read the sheet music and cue me off my notes while I was directing. It was quite a production. Unbeknownst to me, one of the pastors wandered into the control room while I was working and stood in the back. He found me later that night and said "I just have to say, I gained so much respect for you tonight - there were cameras going everywhere, and you were shouting orders, and I had no idea what you were doing!" And if that sounds a little self-gratifying in print, you should understand that the pastor's tone made it sound a bit like "I had marginal respect for you before, but this convinced me you actually have some sort of value."

Weirdly, this past Christmas show really raised my profile within our church, which I wouldn't have predicted, but it definitely did. It's ironic because I put so much work into the 3-D film we did this fall, and a lot of the backhanded compliments I got afterwards made me realize that the film had lowered a lot of people's opinion of me more than anything. So it was nice to win back some measure of respect.

Anyway, here's a couple clips from the show which are worth checking out - though, it being past Christmas and into that "if I see anything Christmasy in the next six months, I'll just ralph" time of year. So I'll understand if you don't. But either way, here they are. The first is the piece I'm most proud of.

Make sure to play in high quality: as the video starts to play, click "HQ" on the bottom-right corner of the viewer.

The second is the clip you'll probably enjoy most - the combined kids/adults choir (the kids are adorable):

And the last is the clip that'll tell you the most about our church - it features Elvis, a crying cowboy, an opera singer, and chiquita dancers. Featuring, by the way, Claire's mom as one of the chiquita dancers:

Grammy Results

2009-02-10T01:25:00.003-05:00

Well, this year I did better than last: 51 out of 110, for a total of 46% (for point of reference, random selection would've likely given me an accuracy of 18-19%). This year I got most of the major categories right, too, something I'd completely bombed on the year before (I ended up at 43% in 2008). I feel I could've done better if I'd reworked the rules a little bit. The following standards would've helped out:

1. Whenever it's one female versus four male nominees, always vote for the female. (this one trumps all rules, including the Barack Obama rule)
2. Never go against artists traditionally loved by Grammy voters - B.B. King, Natalie Cole, Mary J. Blige, and anyone named Winans.

The reality is that it's possible to be fairly accurate in the areas that you actually know something about - from the major categories through the end of the Country section, I was 25 out of 43 (58%). Twenty-two categories later, I was 29 of 65 (45%). The sections that killed me were the ones where I knew nothing: Latin, Jazz, New Age, Production. I did random, fun guesses - and went 1 for 19. With everything else, I was solid to excellent.

Mostly, though, I found that the rules worked! The Old Guy rule, the Barack Obama rule, and surprisingly, the Get Drunk and Guess rule, were across the board near-perfect in selecting the winner. I may use these strategy in future for other things - movie rentals, car shopping, choosing friends. Who knows the benefits this system can give?

Frankly, I feel next year I can do even better, come back even stronger. But guessing the Grammys is still a fool's errand - of the 110 categories, I'm really only qualified to guess maybe 30 to 50 with what could be called a valid opinion.

Of course, in categories like the Latin awards, that's half the fun.

Until next year...

Oh! As a final note, I have to say: every year I put my faith in the Grammy voters to get the Gospel section right, and every year I am deeply, painfully disappointed - but this year I found it truly scandalous. That Brandon Heath should have the biggest single in Christian music history and lose Song Of The Year to Kirk Franklin is an embarrassment of epic proportions. The Grammy Foundation should be completely ashamed of itself.

Wordle

2009-02-08T16:17:00.004-05:00

If you haven't seen it yet, Wordle is a program lets you throw a bunch of text into their site's engine, and it turns it into a cool-looking word cloud. It gives greater prominence to words used more often, and you can personalize the shape, color, and style however you want.

You can also just type in a site's web address and have it do all the work for you.

Here's mine:

Turned out to be a little bit too close to the Grammys post, so I went back through it by hand. Came out pretty good, I think.

I did some of your sites, too. Here's Assistant Village Idiot:

Random Neural Firings:

And Wyman Family History:

Truly, I have reached nirvana.

2009-02-07T19:29:00.001-05:00

The Bacon Flowchart.

Thanks, Peracchio.

I want to go to there.

2009-02-06T12:10:00.003-05:00

Coming this spring is a new book called Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, which features the original text of the Jane Austen novel juiced up with “all-new scenes of bone-crunching zombie mayhem.”

While I was hesitant at first to embrace the idea of ripping off Austen's most beloved work so ridiculously, I was sold by the first line: "“It’s a truth universally acknowledged that a zombie in possession of brains must be in want of more brains.”

My, uh, half-birthday is coming on March 8th, by the way.

P.S. Bad news, though. It turns out that Jesus hates zombies.

I Can't Eat These! We Have To Go Back!

2009-02-06T00:30:00.002-05:00

Here's a short about a guy who watches every episode of "Lost" over the course of three days.

Be warned: it's only funny if you're a huge "Lost" fan to begin with.

Grammy Predictions #58-110 (I did it!)

2009-02-05T21:56:00.008-05:00

Y'know, next year I'm not gonna do one of these. They're not that fun to write, they're not too fun to read, and I don't care about the results. Plus, the Grammy broadcast doesn't show most of the boring categories, so there's no point in picking the lesser known ones since it doesn't make watching the show more fun. All in all, it's a waste of time.

Anyway, I'm gonna try to have as much fun as possible on these last picks. You can do what you want.

Field 12 - Latin

58. Best Latin Pop Album
La Vida... Es Un Ratico ("This Life... It Is A Giant Rat") by Juanes ("Two Guys Named 'John'")

59. Best Latin Rock Or Alternative Album
I love this: Mediocre ("Mediocre") by Ximena Sariñana ("The Fear Of Being Serenaded")

60. Best Latin Urban Album
The Royalty: La Realeza ("The Royalty: No, Really, I Have One!") by Rkm & Ken-y ("We're Not Latin, We're Two Guys From New Jersey With GarageBand")

61. Best Tropical Latin Album
Frutero Moderno ("A Very Modern Fruity Thing") by Gonzalo Grau y La Clave Secreta ("Gonzo the Great and the Clave of Secrets")

62. Best Regional Mexican Album
Desde México: "Cumbia Cusinela" ("Say it in Mexican!: Cum-ba-ya for Cooking") by Huichol Musical ("The Phantom Of The Opera")

63. Best Tejano Album (Is No Tejano Album)
I hate Tejano music.

Well, I gotta pick. Music Lessons ("No Talent Necessary!") by Chente Barrera y Taconazo ("The Cheezy Barrier and his sidekick, the Taconator")

64. Best Norteño Album
Corridos: Defendiendo El Honor ("Come To The Hallway: Sorry, Man, I Shouldn't Have Slept With Your Sister") by Pesado ("The Pessimist")

65. Best Banda Album
Que Bonito... ¡Es Lo Bonito! ("That Lovely Girl... She Is The Only Attractive Person In This Bar!") Banda El Recodo de Cruz Lizárraga ("The Band That Only Records Covers of Songs By The Lizard King")

Okay, maybe next year I'll do the Latin section. That was really fun.

Field 13 - Blues

Oh, good - it's all old guys.

66. Best Traditional Blues Album
Old Guy Of Choice: Johnny Lee Hooker Jr.

67. Best Contemporary Blues Album
Possible Barack Obama Connection: Dr. John And The Lower 911

Field 14 - Folk

Oh good - it's all weird old guys.

68. Best Traditional Folk Album
Old Guy Of Choice: Pete Seeger

69. Best Contemporary Folk/Americana Album
Old Guy Of Choice: Robert Plant & Alison Krauss

70. Best Native American Music Album
White Guilt Vote Of Choice: Spo'Mo'Kin'Nan by Black Lodge

71. Best Hawaiian Music Album
Brother Iz Is Dead Choice: The Spirit of Hawaiian Slack Key Guitar by Daniel Ho, George Kahumoku,Jr., Dennis Kamakahi, Paul Konwiser & Wayne Wong

72. Best Zydeco or Cajun Music Album
Homage Au Passé ("Tribute Albums Are So Over") by Pine Leaf Boys

Field 15 - Reggae

73. Best Reggae Album

Intoxication by Shaggy (He's still making music!) was a strong contender, but how can you go against Let's Get Physical by Elephant Man? One of the best album title/artist name combos I've ever seen.

74. Best Traditional World Music Album
White Guys Getting In Touch With Their Cultural Roots: Ladysmith Black Mambazo

75. Best Contemporary World Music Album:
M.I.A. Was Not Nominated? Who Else Makes World Music?: Global Drum Project by Mickey Hart, Zakir Hussain, Sikiru Adepoju & Giovanni Hidalgo

Field 17 - Polka

76. Best Polka Album
El Maestro Del Acordeón Y Sus Polkas ("A Master Of The Accordian Can Dance My Polka Any Day") by Paulino Bernal ("Vote For Me, I Might Be Related To Gael Garcia Bernal, Who Knows?")

Field 18 - Children's

77. Best Musical Album For Children
Rocker Dudes Should Get Some Votes: Here Come The 123s by They Might Be Giants

78. Best Spoken Word Album For Children
Grammy Voters Love Beautiful People: "Brown Bear And Friends" By Gwyneth Paltrow

Field 19 - Spoken Word

79. Best Spoken Word Album
* An Inconvenient Truth (Al Gore)
Beau Bridges, Cynthia Nixon & Blair Underwood
* Born Standing Up
Steve Martin
* I Am America (And So Can You!)
Stephen Colbert (& Various Artists)
* Life Beyond Measure
Sidney Poitier
* When You Are Engulfed In Flames
David Sedaris

Let's just admit it: this list is kind of a incomprehensible group to make a decision about. You can't even give Al Gore the Liberal Love vote with Colbert, Poitier, and Sedaris in there. I'll give it to Gore anyway, though, because the book has won a Nobel Prize, and it's tough to top that.

Field 20 - Comedy

80. Best Comedy Album
Never Underestimate The Posthumous Choice: George Carlin

Field 21 - Musical Show

81. Best Musical Show Album
I Can't Possibly Vote For "South Pacific": "In The Heights"

Field 22 - Film/TV/Visual Media

82. Best Compilation Soundtrack For a Motion Picture:
Who Doesn't Love Cute Indie Music: Juno Soundtrack

83. Best Score Soundtrack
Only One Of These Is Nominated For The Oscar: Wall-E Soundtrack By Thomas Newman

84. Best Song Written For A Motion Picture or TV
Two Songs From Enchanted Will Split The Vote: "Down To Earth" from Wall-E

Field 23 - Composing/Arranging

85. Best Instrumental Composition
Four No-Names Versus John Williams Choice: John Williams

86. Best Instrumental Arrangement
Seriously, This Is Nominated For An Oscar, Guys: Peter Gabriel's Wall-E Song

87. Best Instrumental Arrangement Accompanying Vocalists
Take 6 Is Still Making Music?: "Grace" by Take 6

Field 24 - Package

88. Best Recording Package
Hawk Nelson Got Nominated? No Way!: Uh... not Hawk Nelson. I'll Pick Metallica.

89. Best Boxed Or Special Limited Edition Package
Art Snobs Everywhere: I'll pick the obsessive Nine Inch Nails

Field 25 - Album Notes

90. Best Album Notes
How Is This A Category?: The Aretha Frankin Box Set seems a safe pick - plus, Barack Obama connection!

Field 26 - Historical

91. Best Historical Album
Apparently, I Can't Vote For "Sgt. Pepper": There's a Howard Taft album called "Debate '08!" I have absolutely no idea what that means.

Field 27 - Production, Non-Classical

92. Best Engineered Album, Non-Classical
Old Guy Of Choice: Al Green

93. Producer Of The Year, Non-Classical
A Barack Obama Connection Isn't Enough?: will.i.am produced a lot of his own records, while Danger Mouse produced three of the best records of the Year: The Black Keys' Attack & Release, Beck's Modern Guilt, and Gnarls Barkley's The Odd Couple (though obviously that last one would also fall under "producing your own records")

94. Best Remixed Recording, Non-Classical
I Want to Hear The Best Classical Remixes! Sigh: Junkie XL's rework of Madonna's "4 Minutes."

Field 28 - Surround Sound

How is this its own field?

95. Best Surround Sound Album
Though Ringo in Surround Sound Doesn't Sound At All Appealing: A record called "Ringo 5.1" by Ringo Starr

Field 29 - Production, Classical

96. Best Engineered Album, Classical
Yo-Yo Ma Was Involved Somehow: Traditions And Transformations: Sounds Of Silk Road Chicago

97. Producer Of The Year, Classical
He Also Found Time To Interview Nixon: David Frost

Field 30 - Classical

98. Best Classical Album
This One Sounded Most Impressive, Even Though It's Misspelled: Weill: Rise And Fall Of The City Of Mahagonny.

99. Best Orchestral Performance
This One Is From That Silk Road Album, So I'll Stick With It: Prokofiev: Scythian Suite, Op. 20

100. Best Opera Recording
It's Nominated Again: Weill: Rise And Fall Of The City of Mahagonny.

101. Best Choral Performance
Who Knew Kansas City Had a Great Orchestra?: Rheinberger: Sacred Choral Works

102. Best Instrumental Soloist Performance
Who The Heck Is "L'Orchestre De La Suisse Romande"?: Saint-Saëns: Piano Concertos 2 & 5

103. Best Instrumental Soloist Performance
I Don't Know Any Of These Names: "Red Cliff Capriccio," Wei Li

104. Best Chamber Music Performance
This One Sounded Kinda Hardcore: Right Through The Bone - Julius Röntgen Chamber Music

105. Best Small Ensemble Performance
There's No Way This Title Makes Sense, There's Three Colons And A Semicolon: Tan Dun: Pipa Concerto; Hayashi: Viola Concerto; Takemitsu: Nostalgia

I can't even figure out what to italicize.

106. Best Classical Vocal Performance
This Sounds Weirder Than Cate Blanchett Playing Dylan in I Am There: Corigliano: Mr. Tambourine Man: Seven Poems Of Bob Dylan

107. Best Classical Contemporary Composition
And Again!: Mr. Tambourine Man: Seven Poems Of Bob Dylan

108. Best Classical Crossover Album
When Did This Cross Over? And Where Did It Cross Over To?: Baroque by Gabriela Motero

Field 31 - Music Video

I get to go out with a bang!

109. Best Short Form Music Video: "Pork And Beans" by Weezer was one of my all-time favorites, though it'll probably go to Radiohead, just because.

110. Best Long Form Music Video
Peter Bogdanovich Is A God, and Also - The Old Guy Vote: Runnin' Down A Dream, by Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers.

Oh, man. I made it. I really made it. I'm done. I finished.

I am not doing this again next year. That took forever.

Congrats if you made it this far. Let me know if you did!

Mug Shot Fail

2009-02-05T18:17:00.001-05:00

So good!

My favorite part is that, for some reason, this new station had that picture on file somewhere in case they needed it. Really, think about the thought process that takes.

There's an old superstition that forbids this. Now we know why.

2009-02-05T18:11:00.003-05:00

This reminds me of that movie with Nicolas Cage and Samuel L. Jackson - wasn't it an "Amos & Andy" remake? - where they're escaped prisoners handcuffed together.

Except they did much better than these two.

Grammy Picks: #30-110 (actually, #57)

2009-02-04T21:12:00.008-05:00

Alright, this time I'm making it all the way through, no matter how badly it goes. I will cut any corner I need to in order to get this done. I will make up any information necessary. I will combine several categories together. I will find a way.

The rules, remember, are this:

A. When it doubt, pick the old guy.
B. When you don’t know which one is the old guy, pick the one who you think is the old guy.
C. When that’s not entirely clear, pick the one with the funniest name.
D. When none of the names are funny, drink until one of the names becomes funny.
E. If that doesn’t work, pick the band you would most like to be in.
F. If you wouldn’t want to be in any of the bands, chose which band you despise so much by virtue of their band name that you would want to see them become the house band in Hell.
G. And finally, if all else fails, pick the band that most reminds you of the world’s greatest band, Bananarama.

Plus, I added a couple rules as it went:

H. No song with unnecessary numbers in it can win a category.
I. No songs with "U" instead of "you" anywhere in them.
J. No one will be selected who has unnecessary "z"s in his name.
K. Vote for any song that can even be tangentially connected with Barack Obama.

However, I felt after writing the first 30, I felt the system needed a minor reboot, so I'm moving K ahead of A, and adding a new rule. It now looks like this:

1A. Above all, vote for any song that can be even tangentially connected with Barack Obama.
2A. At the beginning of every field, you must create a universal voting rule for that field.
3A. After that rule, then you vote for the old guy.

All the rules are the same after that.

Field 7 - Rap New Rule: Vote For Lil Wayne whenever possible.

31. Best Rap Solo Performance
Lil Wayne is nominated for a song called "A Milli"

32. Best Rap Performance By A Duo Or Group
Okay, since this is rap and everyone is always "featuring" each other: Lil Wayne is nominated twice, Jay-Z is nominated twice, Kanye West is nominated twice, and T.I. is nominated twice. I'm gonna pick the song where all of them are nominated together, a song called "Swagga Like Us."

33. Best Rap/Sung Collaboration
Lil Wayne is nominated for "Got Money" featuring T-Pain.

34. Best Rap Song
Lil Wayne is nominated - twice - for "Lollipop" and "Swagga Like Us." Hmm... Well, I'm gonna pick "Lollipop," because I would like to see Wayne get the win for every single song on Tha Carter III. That would have to be some kind of record, right?

35. Best Rap Album
Lil Wayne is nominated for "Tha Carter III."

Wow, that rule took me through this whole category. I need more rules like that one.

Field 8 - Country

Hmm... I don't know much about country, except that pretty much no one new ever comes in, and no one ever leaves. So I'm guessing that I can say that -

New Rule: Carrie Underwood will win all the female awards, Brad Paisley will win all the men's awards, and Rascal Flatts will win all the group awards.

Unless...

New Rule: There's some fresh-face star I haven't heard about, and he's nominated for a bunch of stuff, and he get selected instead.

Unless...

New Rule: If some old rocker gets nominated in a country category even though it's clearly an inappropriate nomination, I will vote for that old rocker any time.

Alright, now we're ready to start:

36. Best Female Country Vocal Performance
And... Carrie Underwood is nominated!

37. Best Male Country Vocal Performance
And... Brad Paisley is nominated! No, wait, who's this James Otto guy? I've never heard of him. He must be amazing if he got nominated in this category - Best Male Country Vocal Performance is a good ol' boys' club and no mistake. I'm picking this guy.

38. Best Country Performances By A Duo Or Group With Vocals
And... Rascal Flatts is nominated! No, wait, who's Lady Antebellum? Isn't she (or, I dunno, they?) nominated for Best New Artist? I'm picking her. Or, um, them.

39. Best Country Collaboration With Vocals
And... Robert Plant & Alison Krauss' "Killing The Blues" is finally nominated! It's not even really remotely country, but who cares?

These rules are working out fantastic.

40. Best Country Instrumental Performance
Hmm... Béla Fleck is nominated again, so I might - oh, wait, Brad Paisley is nominated! But wait, there's a song about America and Katrina! That supercedes the rule, because Barack Obama is going to rebuild New Orleans from that flood that George Bush sent to destroy it.

Taking a poll: how soon before there's a crisis of some kind - a hurricane or a shooting or someone runs over a puppy or something - and we see artwork like the kind where it's a painting of the disaster, and there's an overlaid picture of Jesus, and there's a single tear running down his face, only instead of Jesus, it's Obama? I give it a year and half on the outside.

41. Best Country Song
Huh. No Underwood, Paisley, or Flatts, and so it's all guesswork. We're gonna have to go to rule 3A - The Old Guy. George Strait it is, with "I Saw God Today." Actually, that might actually apply to rule 1A, too.

42. Best Country Album
Well, still no Underwood, Paisley, or Flatts, so back to The Old Guy - George Strait!

I'm actually not sure if George Strait is that old, but he's named "George," so he should be.

43. Best Bluegrass Album
There's a record here called "Cherryholmes III: Don't Believe," and that will win if I ever get to Rule D, so let's just move on

Field 9 - New Age

New Rule: If I recognize any of the names, I will
automatically vote for that person.

44. Best New Age Album
Well, I don't have any idea who any of these people are, so I'm gonna pick the album called "The Scent Of Light." Cause if I get to Rule D, that's gonna be funny.

Field 10 - Jazz
New Rule: Uh... same rule as last time, I guess.

45. Best Contemporary Jazz Album
John McLaughlin. That sounds really familiar. I'll go for that guy. Though I'm probably just confusing him with, I dunno, Sarah McLachlan.

46. Best Jazz Vocal Album
Hmm... both Cassandra Wilson and Kate McGarry sound familiar. Isn't Kate McGarry related to someone else famous? I dunno. Let's go with... Wilson.

47. Best Jazz Instrumental Solo
Hmm... There's two songs named "Be-Bop." I don't know what that means. I'm gonna go with a song called "Son of Thirteen" by Pat Methany. Because none of the rules apply.

48. Best Jazz Instrumental Album
Hmm.. That Pat Methany dude (or, girl, I guess) is nominated again, so let's go with that.

49. Best Large Jazz Ensemble Album
* Appearing Nightly - Carla Bley and Her Remarkable Big Band
* Act Your Age - Gordon Goodwin's Big Phat Band
* Symphonica - Joe Lovano With WDR Big Band & Rundfunk Orchestra
* Blauklang - Vince Mendoza
* Monday Night Live At The Village Vanguard - The Vanguard Jazz Orchestra

Huh... I have no concept at all. Let's take a drink.

....

nothing.

...

nothing.

....

heh. "Blauklang."

50. Best Latin Jazz Album
Hey, there's a band called "Papo Vásquez The Mighty Pirates!" Cool!

Field 11 - Gospel

A category I know!

New Rule: If you don't think they should win it, then they don't.

51. Best Gospel Performance
* I Understand - Kim Burrell, Rance Allen, Bebe Winans, & Mariah Carey
* East To West - Casting Crowns
* Get Up - Mary Mary
* Shall We Gather At The River - Take 6
* Waging War - CeCe Winans

Well, the voters have no idea what they're doing, so it's almost a lock that a song with both Bebe Winans and Mariah Carey will win out, but I'm gonna show a little faith in them. I'm gonna pick Casting Crowns. Prove me right, Grammys!

52. Best Gospel Song
Brandon Heath got nominated for "Give Me Your Eyes." If Brandon does not win this award so that they can give it to Fred Hammond or Kirk Franklin again, I am gonna tear some head off. This one should be a slam-dunk victory.

53. Best Rock Or Rap Gospel Album
Let's honest: the voters have no idea what they're doing. They're gonna give this to TobyMac, or worse, Superchic[k]. The winner should be Sanctus Real, with After Edmund as a runner up. And how great is it that After Edmund got nominated? That's the little band that could. I'm very happy to see them make it this far.

54. Best Pop/Contemporary Gospel Album
Crud... Chris Tomlin and Brandon Heath are both nominated here - there are two separate TWUMC alumni up for this award! Amazing. I'm gonna say that Chris will win it, because he always does, but I'm feeling good that Brandon's got a very healthy chance here.

55. Best Southern, Country, Or Bluegrass Gospel Album
I dunno. Bart Millard is nominated, which is nice, but his album is called "Hymned Again," which is incredibly lame. If someone sees Bart around, smack him for me. So, let's pick the Gaither Vocal Band! They never win anything, right? They're due.

56. Best Traditional Gospel Album
The Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir vs. The Blind Boys of Alabama vs. a bunch of people I haven't heard of. I'll choose the Blind Boys of Alabama. Those guys are cool.

57. Best Contemporary R&B Gospel Album
Sigh, all the normal people are nominated - Kirk Franklin, Mary Mary, and so on - and I guess I'll pick Mary Mary.

And... it's time for bed. Come on! How long can it take to go through one Grammy list?

See you tomorrow.

I AM Comcellive

2009-02-04T12:55:00.001-05:00

Check out the Inspiratomatic, which gives you a random compiled inspirational poster. Here's the best one I've gotten so far:

2009 Grammy Predictions

2009-02-03T22:10:00.011-05:00

I remembered that last year I did my Grammy predictions and it took me, I think, five days. This year, I’m starting on Tuesday and finishing on Tuesday. How am I doing it so quickly? It’s simple: a complete lack of research. I am not looking anything up, ever, for any purpose. After all, historically, a lot of problems have been solved by lack of information. For example, Sadaam Hussein is no longer in charge of Iraq. And it made picking Best New Artist in 1990 easy, because it was generally agreed that those boys in Milli Vanilli could really sing.

Now, this will be difficult. As many people can attest to, I cannot in fact do anything without stopping to Google something.

Heh heh. Googling.

Now, normally, it’s my goal to get as close as humanly possible to getting everything right, but this year, it’s my goal to get you to read this entire thing. Even the Zydeco part. And I will succeed. You will love me!

To reach this goal, I will be obeying the following rules:

A. When it doubt, pick the old guy.
B. When you don’t know which one is the old guy, pick the one who you think is the old guy.
C. When that’s not entirely clear, pick the one with the funniest name.
D. When none of the names are funny, drink until one of the names becomes funny.
E. If that doesn’t work, pick the band you would most like to be in.
F. If you wouldn’t want to be in any of the bands, chose which band you despise so much by virtue of their band name that you would want to see them become the house band in Hell.
G. And finally, if all else fails, pick the band that most reminds you of the world’s greatest band, Bananarama.

Oh, by the way, I totally know you're not going to read all of this. There are 110 categories to get through. Nobody's gonna get that far.

Still, a big prize goes to the reader who gets the farthest! Here we go!

1. Record of the Year
* Chasing Pavements - Adele
* Viva La Vida – Coldplay
* Bleeding Love - Leona Lewis
* Paper Planes – M.I.A.
* Please Read The Letter – Robert Plant & Alison Krauss

Hmm… well, I’m torn between “Bleeding Love” and “Viva La Vida” (the latter being a big personal favorite), and “Paper Planes” was a pretty big hit - the first hit world music has had since... ever... so, I’m gonna go with the old guy. Robert Plant it is.

2. Album Of The Year
* Viva La Vida Or Death And All His Friends - Coldplay
* Tha Carter III - Lil Wayne
* Year Of The Gentleman - Ne-Yo
* Raising Sand - Robert Plant & Alison Krauss
* In Rainbows - Radiohead

Oh, Lil Wayne. So talented. So consistent. So accessible to the casual listener. So beloved by critics eager to prove their street cred. So unlikely to win this award. Robert Plant it is.

3. Song Of The Year
* American Boy - Estelle Feat. Kanye West
* Chasing Pavements - Adele
* I'm Yours - Jason Mraz
* Love Song - Sara Bareilles
* Viva La Vida - Coldplay

Can anyone explain to me what the difference is between 'Song of the Year' and 'Record Of The Year?' If you're nominated for 'Song Of The Year' but not 'Record Of The Year,' does that mean that everyone like the song, but they just didn't want you singing it? And who would ever say that to Jason Mraz? Have you ever heard anyone besides Mraz sing one of his songs? It's painful. This just seems like a really depressing award.

Did I talk about this last year, too? I don't remember. I'll check.

...no, wait, no I won't. Crap-piss.

Anyway, I gotta figure Coldplay gets some 'we were rejected earlier so everyone could pour some more adulation on Robert Plant but now we feel really guilty about ignoring this really excellent song' love here.

4. Best New Artist
* Adele
* Duffy
* Jonas Brothers
* Lady Antebellum
* Jazmine Sullivan

Boy, Duffy and Adele have to be pissed, right? They're pretty much cancelling each other out here. It doesn't matter, though, because probably everyone will vote for the Jonas Brothers so they don't look stupid in five years if the Jonas Brothers are the biggest band in the world (though, aren't they kind of already?). Once Rolling Stone got on board, it was all over.

Field 1 - Pop

5. Best Female Pop Vocal Performance
* Chasing Pavements - Adele
* Love Song - Sara Bareilles
* Mercy - Duffy
* That Was Me - Paul McCartney

... hang on.

Oh, I misclicked. Okay:

* Bleeding Love - Leona Lewis
* I Kissed A Girl - Katy Perry
* So What - Pink

Hmm... I'm in doubt. Let's look at the rules. There's no old guy here (did you catch that McCartney isn't actually in this group? Maybe I should go up and erase that), and nobody who I think might be an old guy. Step C is out because nothing's funny, so I'll take a drink and see if something becomes funny. I'm thinking "Pink" might.

...hmm.

Nope. Alright, step E. Whose band would I most like to be in? I'm gonna say Duffy's. She's got soul, with a real pop sensibility. Plus she's from Wales. Pink and Leona Lewis seem kind of high-maintenance, Adele is just like Duffy except not as cool, I'm not that wild about Sara Bareilles, and Katy Perry, who's on Warped Tour right now, seems like the sort of person who plays jokes on band members while they're sleeping involving buckets of water or shaving cream (admit it: you just smacked your forehead and yelled "oh, totally!" right then). So I pick Duffy to win this one.

6. Male Pop Vocal Performance
* All Summer Long - Kid Rock
* Say - John Mayer
* That Was Me - Paul McCartney
* I'm Yours - Jason Mraz
* Closer - Ne-Yo
* Wichita Lineman - James Taylor

Uh-oh. Three old guys. Let's eliminate Kid Rock right off the bat, assume that "Say" is too boring (it is), figure no song named "Wichita Lineman" can win (though, this being a covers record, maybe it already has), then pick Paul McCartney over the two remaining deserving guys because this is the Grammys, after all.

7. Pop Performance By a Duo Or Group With Vocals
* Viva La Vida - Coldplay
* Waiting In The Weeds - Eagles
* Going On - Gnarls Barkley
* Won't Go Home Without You - Maroon 5
* Apologize - OneRepublic

I know there's an old guy, but there's not enough doubt to start going to the system. This one is Coldplay's all the way.

8. Pop Collaboration With Vocals
Ahh, now here's a category where the old guy always wins.

* Lesson Learned - Alicia Keys & John Mayer
* 4 Minuters - Madonna, Justin Timberlake & Timbaland
* Rich Woman - Robert Plant & Alison Krauss
* If I Never See Your Face Again - Rihanna & Maroon 5
* No Air - Jordin Sparks & Chris Brown

Hey, look, an old guy!

Can anyone tell me why every song off Raising Sand is nominated except the best one, "Killing The Blues?" I'm getting annoyed.

9. Best Pop Instrumental Performance
* Steve Cropper & Felix Cavaliere
* I Dreamed There Was No War - Eagles
* Fortune Teller - Fourplay
* Steppin' Out - Stanley Jordan
* Blast - Marcus Miller

Hey! The Eagles! Playing a song about there not being war! Musicians don't rally behind this sort of stuff, do they? Hang on, wait, I'm getting something. It's hazy, but... wait...

"We are the world... we are the people... mmm, yeah!"

Oh, right.

You have to wonder if the Eagles wrote the song just to win this category.

10. Best Pop Instrumental Album
* Sax For Stax - Gerald Albright
* Greatest Hits Rerecorded Vol. One - Larry Carlton
* Jingle All The Way - Béla Fleck & The Flecktones
* The Spice Of Life - Earl Klugh
* A Night Before Christmas - Syro Gyra

I want to say it's gonna go to Fleck, because he's due, but "Sax For Stax" made me giggle, so I'm going with that one. It sounds like a song recorded for a really bad porno.

Kind of a gross one, actually. I'm going back to Fleck.

Let me drop in a little side-note here: Grammy predictions are hard. People really don't know who's going to win what. With the Oscars, there are dozens of lead-in award shows that pretty much tell you who's going to win what, but with the Grammys, you're going entirely off your knowledge of past Grammy voting (which is a problematic voting record if there ever was one) and who you feel most passionately should win Best Jazz Record Recorded Underwater. And then remember that all the people actually voting are probably just as ill-informed as you.

Though they're probably more informed than me, because they get to Google.

11. Best Pop Vocal Album
* Detours - Sheryl Crow
* Rockferry - Duffy
* Long Road Out Of Eden - Eagles
* Spirit - Leona Lewis
* Covers - James Taylor

Crap! Two old guys and an established, talented star people feel a kinship with! Plus two artists already honored in the bigger categories! I'm gonna have to go with The Eagles, because there are four old guys in the band, as opposed to Taylor, who'se just one old dude by himself.

Field 2 - Dance

12. Best Dance Recording
* Harder Better Faster Stronger - Daft Punk
* Ready For The Floor - Hot Chip
* Just Dance - Lady Gaga & Colby O'donis
* Give It 2 Me - Madonna
* Disturbia - Rihanna
* Black & Gold - Sam Sparro

Well, Madonna is old, but her song is named "Give It 2 Me," so I'm gonna add a new rule:

H. No song with unnecessary numbers in it can win a category.

I'm gonna go with Daft Punk, because they might be old dudes under those helmets. You never know.

13. Best Electronic/Dance Album
* New York City - Brazilian Girls
* Alive 2007 - Daft Punk
* Bring Ya To The Brink - Cyndi Lauper
* X - Kylie Minogue
* Last Night - Moby
* Robyn - Robyn

Man, this is tough. Well, I'm not gonna pick the Cyndi Lauper album because, um, just the thought of ever listening to a Cyndi Lauper album named "Bring Ya To The Brink" makes me break out in hives. So that leaves sort-of old guys Moby and Kylie Minogue and possible old guys Daft Punk. It's time to go to rule D.

...mmm. Cheap vodka. So warm and burn-y.

....

hmm... one more....

....

Heh heh. "Punk."

Field 3 - Traditional Pop.
I don't know what this title means. Was this here last year? Let me... aw, dammit.

14. Best Traditional Pop Vocal Album
* Still Unforgettable - Natalie Cole
* The Sinatra Project - Michael Feinstein
* Noël - Josh Groban
* In The Swing Of Christmas - Barry Manilow
* Rufus Does Judy At Carnegie Hall - Rufus Wainwright

Aww, an old guy (Manilow), two people who only sing songs by old guys (Cole and Groban), and two artists singing songs by famous old guys that they love - like Jamie Foxx, this one is breakin' all the rules!

Yes, it's sad I didn't have to look up that reference.

Alright, rules A and B don't apply, and neither does C, so we're back to Rule D. Here we go.

Ahh... it burns.

....

Heh heh. "Rufus Does Judy."

....

It's funny because he's gay.

Field 4 - Rock

15. Best Solo Rock Vocal Performance
* Gravity - John Mayer
* I Saw Her Standing There - Paul McCartney
* Girls In Their Summer Clothes - Bruce Springsteen
* Rise - Eddie Vedder
* No Hidden Path - Neil Yong

Wait... "I Saw Her Standing There" is nominated? Wasn't that nominated before, like.. forty-five years ago? Let me che... chrissake!

I think "Gravity" was nominated before, too, though there's no way to be sure.

So, three old guys, one aging guy, and one guy who's not old but who's (probably) been nominated for this very song before. So, rules A, B, and C are out. Here we go.

....

....

Okay, rule D is out. On to Rule E. And this one is easy: who wouldn't want to be in the E Street Band? They look like they're always having fun. And, without even trying, you'd be the cool one automatically. How crazy is that?

16. Best Rock performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocals
* Rock N Roll Train
* Violet Hill - Coldplay
* Long Road Out Of Eden- Eagles
* Sex On Fire - Kings Of Leon
* House Of Cards

Well, if we get to Rule D, I think I know what'll win. Still there's two old groups here, one of whom unfortunately won't stop wearing shorts. So I'm going with the Eagles instead.

17. Best Hard Rock Performance
* Inside The Fire - Disturbed
* Visions - Judas Priest
* Wax Simulacra - The Mars Volta
* Saints Of Los Angeles - Motley Crüe
* Lords Of Salem - Rob Zombie

Hmm. Did you know that Jethro Tull won this one year? It was... um... some time ago. Also, didn't Disturbed used to be spelled "Disturbd," or am I confusing them with every other crummy late 90's nü-rockers?

I don't want to drink until "Wax Simulacra" gets funny, so I'm just gonna pick Motley Crue - sorry, I was getting tired of typing umlauts - and move on.

18. Best Metal Performance
* Heroes Of Our Time - DragonForce
* Nostradamus - Judas Priest
* My Apocalypse - Metallica
* Under My Thumb - Ministry
* Psychosocial - Slipnot

Doesn't this list sound like what would happen if you just told a guy "hey, no one has time to do any research on the Metal category this year. Make up five album titles and two or three bands, and then just throw some familiar names in there to throw people off the scent." I mean, can there really be a band called DragonForce?

I pick Metallica because they're old and respected, as opposed to Judas Priest, who's only one for two.

19. Best Rock Instrumental Performance
* Castellorizon - David Gilmour
* Suicide & Redemption - Metallica
* 34 Ghosts I-IV - Nine Inch Nails
* Hope (Live For The Art Of Peace) - Rush
* Peaches En Regalia - Zappa Plays Zappa Featuring Steve Vai & Napoleon Murphy Brock

Well, if I made it to category C, I know who would win, but I'm gonna stick with David Gilmour because he's the ultimate category A selection.

I've now been doing this for an hour and I'm only up to 19. Holy crap.

20. Best Rock Song
* Girls In Their Sumer Clothes - Bruce Springsteen
* House Of Cards - (a lot of people) and Thom York
* I Will Possess Your Heart - Death Cab For Cutie
* Sex On Fire - Kings Of Leon
* Violet Hill - Coldplay

Hmm... Well, there's an old guy, so I guess I'll have to ignore Coldplay here.

21. Best Rock Album
* Viva La Vida Or Death And All His Friends - Coldplay
* Rock N Roll Jesus - Kid Rock
* Only By The Night - Kings Of Leon
* Death Magnetic - Metallica
* Consolers Of The Lonely - The Raconteurs

But here I don't have to! Coldplay'll win here.

Field 5 - Alternative

22. Best Alternative Music Album
* Modern Guilt - Beck
* Narrow Stairs - Death Cab For Cutie
* The Odd Couple - Gnarls Barkley
* Evil Urges - My Morning Jacket
* In Rainbows - Radiohead

Man... indie cred all over the place. We gotta go with ultimate in credibility, though, 'cause Radiohead's nominated.

Wow... that was a quick field.

Field 6 - R&B

23. Best Female R&B Performance
* Me, Myself And I - Beyoncé
* Heaven Sent - Keyshia Cole
* Spotlight - Jennifer Hudson
* Superwoman - Alicia Keys
* Need U Bad - Jazmine Sullivan

Well, I'm gonna leave "Need U Bad" out, according to Rule I:

I. No songs with "U" instead of "you" anywhere in them.

So instead I'll pick Wonder Woman over Superwoman in this case.

...that's Beyoncé, in case you've missed out on the casting rumors.

Oh! That reminds me: remember in 1999, when George Lucas was working on casting Anakin for Episode II, and there were all these rumors that it was gonna be Leonardo DiCaprio? And the whole fan base was up in arms since it was such a terrible choice and he was just a pretty boy and a lousy actor and we all hated him and Kate Winslet and Kathy Bates and everything connected with Titanic? Think hard about that moment.

Have you ever wanted to go back in time and take back your emotions?

24. Best Male R&B Vocal Performance
* You're The Only One - Eric Benét
* Take You Down - Chris Brown
* Miss Independent - Ne-Yo
* Can't Help But Wait - Trey Songz
* Here I Stand - Usher

Well, Ne-Yo was nominated for much bigger awards earlier, so he's gotta be the winner here, right? Also, new rule:

J. No one will be selected who has unnecessary "z"s in his name.

Glad we got that taken care of.

25. Best R&B Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocals
* Ribbon In The Sky - Boyz II Men
* Words - Anthony David Featuring India.Arie
* Stay With Me (By The Sea) - Al Green Featuring John Legend
* I'm His Only Woman - Jennifer Hudson Featuring Fantasia
* Never Give You Up - Raphael Saadiq Featuring Stevie Wonder & CJ Hilton

Woah. Al Green. Case closed.

Okay, now it's been an hour and a half. This is getting ridiculous.

26. Best Traditional R&B Vocal Performance
* A Change Is Gonna Come - Wayne Brady
* You've Got The Love I Need - Al Green Featuring Anthony Hamilton
* Baby I Know - (Linda Jones) With Helen Bruner & Terry Jones
* Love That Girl - Raphael Saadiq
* In Love With Another Man - Jazmine Sullivan

Okay, there's a big question here - bigger even than ' how did Wayne Brady get nominated for a Grammy?' It's 'why is (Linda Jones) in parentheses?' Is is an affectation, like how we never knew how to type Prince's name after he turned himself into a symbol? Or is Linda Jones imaginary, and the song is nominated on the basis of what the RIAA think it would sound like if Linda Jones had sung it? All interesting questions.

But all moot because classic old guy Al Green has another song dueting with a young guy, always a sure winner. This seems to be Al's big comeback record, like the first Santana record where he had all the duets. Except I've never heard of this album, so maybe not.

27. Best Urban Alternative Performance
* Say Goodbye To Love - Kenna
* Wanna Be - Maiysha
* Be Ok - Chrisette Michele Featuring will.i.am
* Many Moons - Janelle Monae
* Lovin You (Music) - Wayna Featuring Kokayi

And we have our first category where I only recognize one name! I don't know anything about this category, but I'm assuming most voters don't either. So I imagine their though process probably goes like this:

Huh... I don't know any of these names... hey, will.i.am! That guy sure is popular right now because of that song about Barack Obama. Wait, is that him or Wyclef Jean? I can't tell the difference. I think it's him, though.

Hey, wait! If I vote for the song with will.i.am, that's kind of like casting another vote for Obama, right? And if he wins, maybe he'll get on the stage and congratulate all of us for getting Obama elected! "Yes we did!" he'll shout. And we'll all clap for a really long time. And maybe the camera will get a shot of me clapping. Oh, I'm definitely voting for that song.

And scene. Rule K:

K. Vote for any song that can even be tangentially connected with Barack Obama.

Really, that should become Rule A.

28. Best R&B Song
* Bust Your Windows - Salaam Remi and Jazmine Sullivan
* Customer - Raheem DeVaughn
* Heaven Sent - Keyshia Cole
* Miss Independent - Ne-Yo
* Spotlight - Jennifer Hudson

I don't think it is, but I like to imagine that Ne-Yo is covering Kelly Clarkson's "Miss Independent" here. Miss guarded-heart, Miss play-it-smart, Miss If-you-wanna-use-that-line-you-better-not-start, no. Either way, I'm voting for him.

29. Best R&B Album
* Love & Live - Eric Benét
* Motown: A Journey Through Hitsville USA - Boyz II Men
* Lay It Down - Al Green
* Jennifer Hudson - Jennifer Hudson
* The Way I See It - Raphael Saadiq

Well, now that I've added an unnecessary "z" rule, I can't vote for Boyz II Men (though, to be fair, they should probably be grandfathered in). But either way, I'm voting for Al Green. The old guy rule holds.

30. Best Contemporary R&B Alum
* Growing Pains - Mary J. Blige
* Back Of My Lac' - J. Holiday
* First Love - Karina
* Year Of The Gentleman - Ne-Yo
* Fearless - Jazmine Sullivan

I'm picking Ne-Yo, of course, which is a good thing, because if we got to Rule D, would certainly have picked "Back Of My Lac'," hands down one of the stupidest titles I've ever seen, and in strong competition for dumbest title of the year (we haven't gotten to the Ragtime section yet, so I'll hold off here).

Well, I've finished 30 out of 110 titles, using the voting system left me woozy and prone to poor decisionmaking in the mid-teens, and I'm about to hit the Rap section. I'm going to bed. It looks like this is gonna be another year where I'm inventing predictions all the way up to the actual broadcast. Yeesh.

Tune in tomorrow for more.

Best Letterman Moment of All-Time

2009-02-02T18:50:00.003-05:00

I can't believe I never saw this clip before. It's Crispin Glover on David Letterman in 1987 absolutely out of his mind. Debate rages to this day whether this is Crispin Glover, brilliant yet eccentric method actor, or Crispin Glover, massively drugged out of his gourd. (Hint: it's option two) It's perfect for this to happen on Letterman because Dave has always been the sort of host who, when he feels an interview isn't worth his time, cuts and runs. The feelings of his interviewees have never been a high priority (see Richard Simmons, or Paris Hilton after she got out of prison).

None of those compare to this, though: